It's not been easy trying to navigate these crazy feelings and hormones. I am trying my best or at least I hope that I am. I know I need to just stop thinking and rest solely in Him. Why is this so hard to do?! Ultimately I know that all things work according to His plans and not my own but my flesh tries so desperately at times to grab hold of the wheel. As if it really could. Whatever God has planned for my life my main focus should just be on glorifying Him....even at times when I shamefully admit that I don't really want to. Force myself to pray when I don't feel like it. And pray that God will restore my passion for Him even though He allows me to suffer and not get what I might want at times. Remembering that His plans are always greater than my own is just such a hard thing to think about when your feeling disgruntled and at times heartbroken. He leaves me feeling lost sometimes and utterly alone. Abandoned to my own corrupt feelings and thoughts. Yet, I know that He is the center to my gravity. My need for Him is the same as my body needing air and my feet needing balance to stand. I know that I need Him. Like a hidden force field I feel drawn to Him so much that His happiness dictates my every move and decision. But do I truly understand it? Do I feel it? Do I cling to Him daily like my heart needs to beat?
Honestly He doesn't always make me happy. When I'm caught up feeling like a spoiled child that didn't get what she wanted and ignores the many gifts her Father did get her to just be discontent. I don't want to be that girl. He leaves me in deep confusion so often. He transplants, or at least I feel He does, a desire or an empty void in my heart for a specific idea or mission then leaves me to wait for an unknown time on His ques. In my impatience I squirm and stress. I grasp at anything that is stationary that will stop my free fall into my flesh forgetting that He is the only immovable force that can save me from myself.
Often I wonder why He even bothers. I am just a lost cause that will never reverberate His word like a loud gong to the world. I will never shine so that the hearts of all men will see His light. I am broken like glass and the cracks only continue to spider further. I try to remind myself that He has promised to bring healing to the broken and to save the lost. Yet I feel like when He said those things He wasn't thinking of me. Will I ever be like those women of God who float on His word and sing bouts of His greatness? Those women who echo His love and gentleness. The mothers who guide her children lovingly into His warm rays to the point her own children can see her glow with His light. The ones who seem to have boundless patience with their spouse and children. They don't get upset when play-doh fills their carpet or when there is crayons on the wall. When their kids talk back and misbehave they gently, nearly every time, remind them of what God says and discipline without a hint of anger. God, will you ever make me a woman like that? Will it be painful if so? You are the potter and I am the clay but please be gentle when you knead. Its a wonder how I can feel so fragile in your hands yet so safe too.
For all the times I feel unworthy, lost and so desperate for hope You always bring me around again in Your own specially designated timing and show me that all the time I spent squirming You were working something beautiful. A beauty that I couldn't have seen or imagined I'd want. I know that resting in You, though it may be hard, is fruitful. So for all the times I doubt and my flesh makes me weak I will hold fast to You and Your promises...even when I may not feel like it. Your assurance is far greater than anything I could emptily try to reassure myself. I make this vow right now to force myself to trust in You even though I don't feel it right now. I only pray that I get better at this. To be a better daughter who can patiently and ,un-squirming, wait on Your plans.