Today is a down in the dumps day for me. The weather is emulating my mood well. Very blah, a cool 45 and a cloudy sky.
I know why I'm feeling a little sad today though and it's not just a hormonal or weather driven sadness. It's hitting me finally that it's nearly April and I haven't got a huge belly or am anxiously awaiting the arrival of a beautiful bundle. I'm baby less and feeling it. I would have been due on April 9th but if I made it far enough I would have had a scheduled c-section this week or the next. I know it was God's will and am content in His hands but that doesn't eliminate the pain or the sporadic bouts of sadness.
I always dreamed of having a larger family and coming from a family of four I grew up quite used to the idea of having a couple siblings. I enjoyed having brothers and would have enjoyed a sister or two as well. Mazio is such a fun loving little boy and whether I want to admit it or not he is growing up right before my eyes. He loves playing with other children so much. My heart just aches that he may never have any siblings to grow up with like I did.
For a time I had come to terms with the thought of our single child family and could see us quite happy with that life. Now it's as if I'm reminded ever so often when I see Mazio with other little children that he enjoys them so much. I can almost wonder what thoughts he might have as he grows older with nobody to play with, wondering why he doesn't have a brother or a sister. I know it's all in the Lord's will and timing if and when more would come. Right now however in my sad mood it's all I can seem to think about.
Needless to say I don't like feeling randomly sad. I long for tomorrow when the sun will shine again and a new day will bring a different mood, a more pleaseant sort of mood.
Jennie,
ReplyDeleteI so feel for you. I completely understand the times like this, when you remember just how far long you'd be...what life would have been. I look at were life is today and think wow I'd have a toddler running around. Making messes but I know I'd enjoy every minute of that precious gift. Its sad, we were not meant to feel this deep sorrow. Remind yourself again as I am sure you do, that our God above knows your grief. He willed his son to give a sacrificial death to give us a chance at life. Yes he loves us that much. Jesus died. God must have felt so awful watching his perfect and sinless son die at the hands of evil men. He knows to a great extent our grief. He has felt loss. But he loves us so, he was willing to allow his perfect son to die in our behalf. Jesus is now back in the heavenly realm with his father and soon they both will give back to those faithful and true. hugs to you mama, praying for you.
~Felicia