Monday, April 13, 2015
I've been reading with a good friend of mine, This Great Salvation by C.J Mahaney and Robin Boisvert. We have only just begun but just in the bit I've read its stirred up thoughts. Now, I don't know about anyone else but for me I have to let things marinate with me for a little while after reading or listening.
In the first page C. J talks about how upon preparing for a speech for a retreat and the Sunday sermon his wife came to him expressing her feelings of neglect. He thought he had an excuse because of his preparations for the busy schedule but then later felt convicted and apologized.
He conditioned getting his lesson ready which just so happened to be about marital intimacy and he felt guilt,shame and accusation. That little voice that tells us we suck essentially. That little voice was speaking to him saying what right do you have to speak on marital intimacy when you've just screwed up with your wife. He gave resolve to how to over come those accusations and guilt: Romans 8:28-29...
In short, God was and is working all things whatever they may be( sufferings,trials,etc) for our good. And I think to myself, I get that. If God hadn't convicted him he might never had seen his error with his wife and it in extension made his sermon he was preparing for more meaningful as it was from experience. Trial and error. It ultimately grew him in his understandings and dealings with his wife and marriage. So who better to have spoke on martial intimacy? Right? I get that.
For me, I have realized that I am not naive to think that I won't have sufferings or trials in this life.
However, like most people I'm sure, I struggle with wanting to suffer or trial beautifully and when I don't I feel the shame,guilt and whispering accusations. I perceive others going through trials and it looks beautiful. They fall down they knee up and dust themselves off. As for me, I, metaphorically, knee up then trip on my shoelaces several times followed by a few face plants onto the ground. It's ugly. I even feel ugly during and afterward. I can't even tell you how many times I have felt like that. Like, God's little reject child off to the side or at least that's what I perceive thanks to that little voice of accusation. It's so hard and I feel I struggle with this often. I feel like I have amnesia at times, not learning from the previous times. I am thankful for this reminder that God is working my trips and face plants for my good. I'm starting to see that because of my sin it's not always going to be a beautiful process but the end result will be. Just as long as I keep getting back up.