Friday, December 23, 2011

Tears for Eleora

Arleigh is here and I should be completely happy and feel utterly blessed. I do, but I still feel sad about Eleora and never meeting her. Never getting to do or experience the things I can now with Arleigh. Eleora, no matter how short her little life, was my baby too. I will always grieve her loss and miss her dearly.

I haven't posted in a while but wanted to share more pics from the second Christmas at the memorial.










Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Birth Story

As promised I'm back again to share Arleigh's birth story and some more pictures.

So after I had my amnio test done that came back negative on Nov. 28th my doctor decided to reschedule my csection for the following Monday, Dec. 5th.

The night before I was so nervous and anxious. I was ready have some annoying pregnancy symptoms be relieved but I was just nervous for her to finally be here too. To be honest the surgery portion had me pretty scared. I had never been awake for a csection before. With my son I had to have an emergency csection due to severe preeclampsia and I had been in the hospital for a week prior and had been getting heparin shots twice a day. My blood was too thinned to have me be awake and have the spinal. So under general anesthesia I went.

Any way, when we got there I got into a room and hooked up to a monitor and they started me on iv fluids. My section was scheduled for 1 but there was an emergency case finishing up so I didn't get back there until 10 after. I was shaking like a leaf as they were rolling me back and I just lost it when my little boy kissed me and said "bye Mommy". Oh there is just something about hearing him say that plus all the pregnancy hormones I'm sure. It was the last moment that it was just him and I just had one child my only little boy. Now all that was about to change.

Once I was wheeled into the OR I saw several faces of nurses and staff smiling at me as I'm blubbering still about Mazio's bye to me. I immediately looked at them as they kept trying to calm my nerves and I said, " I know that I'm probably going to embarrass myself in here and later feel like a fool so I want to apologize to you all ahead of time", to which they all just laughed.

Once they got me on the tiny narrow table they started to prep me for the spinal. Bless the sweet resident that held me and talked me through that because I was terrified. She was so nice! Once they got me started feeling numb I laid down and then I really started feeling the numbness escalate up from my legs. I didn't have that weird feeling that I couldn't feel myself breathing or anything but I did feel nauseous. So glad they waited to do the catheter until I was numb. That process typically hurts, ouch! After what felt like an eternity they let Ben come back to be with me. Now I prepped this man prior to the section repeatedly that I would need him to keep my mind busy by talking to me a lot but of course when the time came he completely froze up and had nothing to say. I could have smacked him! Thankfully as they started cutting and I could hear snipping noises the nurse anesthetist talked me through it. That part was the worst just hearing those initial noises and knowing what they were doing but overall the whole experience was not that bad. Then it came time shortly after all that to push her out. They warned me I'd feel pressure and that was normal. After they started and stopped pushing I thought they were done and had her out, I almost started to panic because I didn't hear her crying. Here they started pushing on me more and more until finally my doctor told me they were going to need to use the vacuum because they couldn't get her out. The vacuum for a csection?! Really?? I was shocked. That was the first I'd ever heard of a vacuum needed for a section delivery but sure enough she came right out with a loud pop after that. Boy did she make her presence known, she came out screaming like crazy. I was so paranoid about her lungs that I kept asking if her lungs were okay to which my doctor replied "can't you hear her wailing? Her lungs are perfect." What a huge sigh of relief. I must admit I did cry a little when I heard her cry. What a beautiful sound! I never got to hear my son's first cries which its surprising that he had been born crying in the first place. He was 11 weeks premature and we were warned that he might not cry because babies that early don't usually cry at first but I was told he definitely did!

My doctor told me that because I'm so short my torso is small and she was pretty tightly squeezed inside me which explains the need for the vacuum. He said next time around we'll just deliver me right at 37 weeks as my scar tissue will also be a bit more. Arleigh weighed 7lbs 12oz and was 19inches long. She was born at 1:48pm. So they got her out relatively quick. I got to hold her as they wheeled me back into recovery. My sweet husband took feeding duty the first night as I was bed bound with pain meds and the catheter. We got to go home on my third day. I was so glad to be home, it was so much better for Maz to have free reign of the house and be able to play. Those hospital rooms are so small for a toddler. I did have a hard time adjusting at first but I'm feeling better now. I went through some major baby blues for a few days but looking back I think it was mostly a hormonal shift as my milk came in at that same time.

Arleigh is doing really well and she's back to her birth weight. She lost 6oz. She gains about an ounce a day now. She's still in newborn clothes but I can't wait until she grows into 0-3mos as I have far more options with those. Her umbilical cord fell off last week. Mazio is getting along fairly well with her. He has his moments where he wants to see her and touch her. He's a bit rough at times but he's only 2 1/2 and doesn't understand that she's little. I'm excited for this summer as she'll be 6-8 months old and they'll be able to interact a bit more.

Its so much different having a daughter then having a son. There's the clothes and all the accessories that come with little girls and boys are so much simpler and I might add less expensive! Boys are tough guys and daddy's little mini me where as girl's have that special way of getting to her daddy. It'll be fun to see what its like with a girl and just what its like with 2!

Here are some of the pictures the hospital did for us....( don't mind the water marks)















Here are 2 most recent ones of her at 2 weeks old......

She had just gotten a bath in this one so that is why her hair is so fluffy :)





Our little sweetie pie! :)


Sunday, December 18, 2011

She's Here!!



I know some of you have been wondering how my c-section went 2 weeks ago so I thought I should update. :)

Arleigh Lynn Exposito came into the world on December 5th 2011 via scheduled c-section. She weighed 7lbs 12oz and was 19inches long. My Dr. had to use a vacuum to get her out because she was just too comfy in there and didn't want to come out. She's doing great though! :)

Being able to hear her cry was a great blessing. I never got to experience that when Mazio was born. I must admit I cried a little bit hearing that. Such a beautiful sound.



So big compared to my little 29 weeker :)



So precious!



Mommy, Daddy and Arleigh in recovery after the c-section :)
Don't mind my red nose.lol The morphine was making me itch.



Daddy and his new daughter! :) I think she has him wrapped around her finger already!



The BIG brother! Daddy and Maz cuddling after delivery. He's very protective over daddy now.



Mazio was exhausted from all the excitement from the day.




First family picture with little Arleigh! :)



I'll post again with more pictures and more updates.


Sunday, December 4, 2011

Tomorrow is my C-Section!!

I had to make a separate post for this one! I cannot believe that I made it to the end!! Its here! Its really here! :)

Okay, okay some of you may be wondering whats going on here so I'll catch you up.

I had my amnio test done last week on the 28th. I think I did fairly well considering the size of the needle and my usual wimpy demeanor. :)

Unfortunately the baby's lungs did not pass the test for maturity. Her test came out to a 33 and it needed to be a 55 or higher. After much discussion on where to go from there our doctor settled on waiting another week and just going straight to the c-section. No more amnio tests = yay!! They said on the ultrasound that she was weighing 7lbs 4oz and she has a lot of hair.:) Tomorrow is THE day! Monday December 5th at 1pm is Arleigh Lynn Exposito's eviction from womb to the this world!:) I'm excited yet incredibly nervous.

My mind feels like its rolling a mile a minute! I'm worried for my little man, my sweet Mazio. For so long now its just been him and I remember what he went through to be here. What God brought us through and how he blessed us with this little guy. I just hope and pray we can justly remind him everyday through this transition period with the baby that he is and always will be important and loved. I'm sure I'm just having the normal paranoid feelings. I just hope he adjusts well and doesn't feel threatened or too jealous.

I'm also nervous for the surgery. Last time I had a csection I was completely knocked out so I didn't have to worry about the queasiness, gore, knowing I'm being cut into, or the tugging feelings. I'm also a bit nervous about the spinal. You'd think after the amnio needle I wouldn't worry about the spinal but I guess I'm just strange like that.

Its so surreal to be here at the end and experiencing feelings and symptoms so many other women I know have felt in normal pregnancies. It's overwhelming at times like tonight and knowing that by tomorrow night I'll be holding a newborn in my arms. An event some, including me, never thought would happen. God, you are so magnificent, so amazing, so good that these simple words cannot do justice. You blessed my womb three times now and even though it was Your will to take away one physically You blessed my heart with her forever. I'll always have tears for her but they won't all be of sorrow because you didn't have to bless me with her at all. Thank you Lord!

Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers tomorrow. I'm very nervous. Thank you all for following this part of my journey and praying for me along the way! I promise to post soon and have pictures of her! :)




Updates

Hello my fellow blog readers!

Its been ages since I've been able to get back on the computer. Its been on the fritz for a good several weeks now, but alas it is finally in working order! So as you can imagine since early last month I have quite a few updates.

So here we go:

Here are our last family photos of our trio done for the Fall by our good friend, Charlie Edmisten! Thank you again very much Charlie! We are pleased with how they came out.:)






And of course our little man...





Lastly, Ben and I. (Me feeling more like an over stuffed turkey :))



We had a lovely Thanksgiving with both families and got to get our grub on. Last year all of us were sick as dogs and didn't get to enjoy the holiday as we had hoped to so this year was quite a treat to get to fully indulge and be gluttons.

We have the tree up and house decorated for Christmas. I even have all my Christmas shopping nearly done and all that I do have is wrapped and ready. I must point out that I got all that I have done before the infamous Black Friday and the ensuing madness that follows after that crazy day. Ugh, why must holiday shopping bring out the rotteness in people! I can't stand it, pushing and shoving in lines, cutting in front of people nearly taking them out, crazy driving, rude remarks and attitudes, and so on. A season of giving my butt, any more it seems like the season of wanting and greed. Okay that's enough of my shopping rant.

Please follow me to yet another new post......there's more to tell.:)



Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Update

I know its been quite a few weeks since I updated last and I have some exciting news.....



Yep that's right, she could be a November baby instead of December!! At my recent appointment last week the dr. wanted to go ahead and schedule the amnio test. Since my classical incision from having Mazio so early I will not be allowed to make it to 40 weeks and will need a repeat c-section. So my dr. scheduled me to have an amnio test done to check the baby's lung maturity and see if she's ready to come out yet. The amnio test is where they will stick a really long needle into my belly and take out a few cc's of amniotic fluid that surrounds the baby. They will then do 2 separate tests on the fluid to determine the maturity of the lungs. The dr. also scheduled the c-section for the very same day in the event that the baby's lungs would come back mature. So Monday November 28th at 7:30am I will have the amnio done. We should get the results back in an hour after the test. Then if the lungs are mature enough the c-section will be a few hours later at 11am.
I'm nervous about the amnio test and the different risks involved but I plan on talking to the dr. about it on my next appointment. I'm excited to think that in just 3 1/2 weeks I could really have another baby.

After losing Eleora my hearts been yearning to hold a newborn. I feel like I've been waiting for this baby ever since then. I'm sure its going to be emotional when this baby does come. I'm so thankful that God kept this door open and has blessed us with this baby. He could have closed it with all the scares that came with Eleora's passing and the risk of cancer but that wasn't His will. Mazio was truly a miracle baby with how early he came into this world, Eleora was a miracle baby to me as she came and left so suddenly but made such an impact in our lives, and now God has blessed us with another miracle. Its crazy to think that last year I was sitting in the hospital after the d&c feeling resolved that we would never have any more babies and that I had such a long road of recovery ahead and unknown from the partial molar.I have no words other than...God is good!

Thursday, October 13, 2011

October is....

The month of October is a national month of many things. Like did you know that October is......

  • National Breast Cancer Awareness Month
  • National AIDS Awareness Month,
  • National Apple Month,
  • National Pickled Peppers Month,
  • Disability Employment Awareness Month,
  • Diversity Awareness Month,
  • Emergency Care Month,
  • Family History Month,
  • German-American Heritage Month,
  • National Cholesterol Awareness Month,
  • National Mental Illness Awareness Month
Those were just to name a few.
Did you know that October is also Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month or that 1 in 4 women will experience the loss of a child?

Across the developed world alone:
  • An estimated 500,000 miscarriages happen each year;
  • 1 in every 148 babies are stillborn; and
  • 3 in every 1000 babies die shortly after birth.
(Information taken from http://www.pilari.org/)


More specifically, October 15th is officially recognized in both the US and Canada as National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. To learn more about how to commemorate this day please visit http://www.iamtheface.org/?page_id=3892.

Every year women world wide as well as fathers experience the deep sadness of the loss of a child whether they be miscarried, born still, or passed after birth. Its such a common occurrence daily. So if you know of a friend or loved one that has experienced this loss at some point in their life please remember their little ones this month and on October 15th. Though with time their grief may have become silent, their hearts are still broken. Remember the little lives that were and still are in the hearts and minds of the families that love them. As time passes its common for life to begin again in a different way after a loss for the families who've suffered through. Though life goes on but its never quite the same without that baby or child in it.

So this October 15th along with all the many noble "nationals" of the month I implore you to remember this one.
Remember the many hearts left incomplete.
Remember the babies.



>>>>I have recently wrote out a much more detailed description of what exactly happened with my whole experience. To read it please visit: http://facesofloss.com/2011/10/3352.html#more-3352




Thursday, October 6, 2011

29 weeks

I must be dreaming! That's the only explanation other than God's will for me to be here right now with NO symptoms of preeclampsia!!! You have no idea how good it feels to say that! This post is a little late as I am now 29 weeks 5 days! Almost 30 weeks! I am now officially the most pregnant I've ever been!! Woo hoo!! Its kinda scary though too I gotta tell ya. I'm nervous for what the rest of this crazy race is like until delivery. I'm experiencing some "new" pregnancy norms for 3rd trimester that I didn't have the "pleasure" to experience before. Terrible, terrible, and again I say terrible back aches. My left side sciatic nerve is being pinched something awful. Ouch! And I'm feeling a lot of pressure in my low stomach area at times it hurts. I guess carrying a baby longer means they get heavier...duh. Still these are kinda new to me. I'm in uncharted waters.

For some who stumble upon this post and not know what I mean by 29 weeks being a big deal; I developed severe preeclampsia in my first pregnancy with my son. I delivered him through emergency csection at 29 weeks 3 days. So getting beyond 29 weeks with no symptoms of this disease is a huge personal hurdle for me.

My blood pressures have been great at all my recent appointments. I haven't had much of any swelling either. I am pleasantly surprised that I can still wear my wedding ring! :) I'm really enjoying this pregnancy. We have even finally decided on this little girl's name.....




Technically she should arrive sometime after Thanksgiving. I'll be 37 weeks that Saturday after Thanksgiving and I'll have an amnio test done sometime that week to test for the baby's lung maturity and then based on what the results are I could have my repeat csection that day or in a couple days after. So I have just about 7 weeks left until delivery.

I have finally got my sewing machine out since the flood happened and am starting to work on my Wrapped Up in Hope baby blankie request list. It feels good to sew again. Its kinda therapeutic for me. I've also been working on some things for Arleigh finally too. I told myself that I wanted to make things for the baby when we found out the gender but then the flood happened and prevented me from that. So now I can. Here is what I've done so far:


I know the A is backwards but oh well. I didn't figure that out until I was all done. She won't know the difference.:) It was fun making this. I just used scrapbook paper and mod podge. I used a card board letter but you could use a wooden one too. It now sits on a shelf in her nursery.



I saw this on pinterest and had to make one. I'm so use to things for little boys that I didn't think much of all the hair accessories. How genius to have something like this to display them. This didn't turn out as well as I would have liked but its good enough for now. I want to make a better one later.
So far that is all I have done but I have more things I plan to make before she gets here. I promise to post them once I complete them.

That's my baby updates for now. Crazy to be here at 29 weeks and symptom free.:)

Friday, September 30, 2011

One Year Anniversary

We've been so preoccupied with fixing the house after the flood that it seems as if these days have just creeped up as we were so unaware. A year? Already? I remember thinking as time stood still during that moment when life changed for us, when that baby girl's life was cut short before it really began that things would never be the same. I was so conflicted thinking I couldn't wait for time to move us from this place, from that pain, and yet wishing I could stay there forever because she was there. I didn't want to leave my baby. I knew time could heal but it also has a way of separating too. It's a hard road either way. A part of me just wishes that someone other than me would remember her. The sad truth of it is- this world goes too fast so fast that situations like that get forgotten and remembered too few. Its natural I suppose as time moves on but it's just hard. Another reminder that she isn't here and she isn't alive to be in the fore front of people's minds. There are no memories made besides that she was real and growing and then one day she was gone.

It's difficult to miss her so much and yet excited to meet this other little girl God is growing within me. Is it shaming her memory and what she meant to me? I hope not. The sad thing is that when this other little girl enters the world I'll know she won't be my first daughter or my second child. I don't want this little girl or Mazio to forget that they had another sister.

I feel ashamed to admit that I nearly forgot about today and I know I forgot yesterday. Yesterday was the day I went to the dr. and got that dreaded news. That day I felt my heart just sink and crumble. One thing that echoes in my mind the most about that day other than being and feeling utterly alone when I heard those words "I'm sorry but this isn't a viable pregnancy anymore", was standing in the ER parking lot with my husband as we both sobbed and held each other. Such a tender moment it was to me and to finally not feel alone that day. We shared in that pain. I told my husband that it seems as if there is a disconnect somewhere. Like I know I was pregnant and I know why it ended but its still hard to understand sometimes. One day your pregnant and see the living fetus on the ultrasound (which the doctors now say once you see the baby and the heart beat then it reduces your risk a bit for miscarriage) and the next day it all changes. Its hard to fathom that I would have had a 6 month old now but instead I'm pregnant. All in God's planning, I know. And that's really the only answer and yet the main source of my comfort.

One year ago today we said goodbye forever and though with time your memory fades in the world's mind, we can never seem to forget you. You'll always be our 1st little girl and our second blessing from God. I love you my sweet baby.


We were glad and surprised to see that they are putting in benches. It'll help make an uncomfortable place be a bit more comfortable.

One day when we can afford it we'd like to add our baby's name to the back of the stone. One family has added their little one. It will make it easier for Maz and any other siblings to find her.


Happy Birthday little one. You were born into our hearts and we miss you.





Monday, September 12, 2011

Closer and closer

Its getting closer and closer as each day brings with its end one more reminder or memory of where we were at this time last year. How oblivious to the fate of our baby right then. We hadn't known that she passed quietly away in one of the last 9 days or the long road of recovery both emotionally and physically that we were soon to face. How do you know when your world is about to change?

We knew on September 28th 2010. That day a tiny piece of our hearts cracked away forever. Now here we are just 2 weeks shy of a year later to the day. Not a day goes by that I don't feel the absence of that sweet baby or the hope we had for so many memories. I wouldn't be pregnant right now instead I would have been holding a 6 month old. God's will is so complex. We found comfort in Him and though the pain is great, His love is immeasurable.


These pictures are from 2 days post my d&c. Notice the tape junk still stuck to my hands and arms from IV's. I had 2-3 in each arm.


Days filled with tears. I was really anemic here.


So much is on my mind these days. As one year marks the death of one child the gestational week in my pregnancy is coming up marking the birth time of another. I am now 26 weeks as my 3d baby ticker claims on the left of my blog. As I'm starting to remember so much and relive last year, I'm reminded of the fear I had when I was pregnant with my son, Mazio.

I started developing complications with him when I was 27 1/2 weeks along. It started as swelling and then creeping blood pressure. I also was dipping noticeably higher levels of protein in my urine tests. I was hospitalized for 24 hours then sent home. Then mid way through my 28th week I was hospitalized again with higher blood pressures, more swelling and additional amounts of protein. I never made it home again pregnant after that. My health went down hill quite fast. A perfectly normal looking pregnancy took the turn for worse and everything seemed to spiral out of control. Preeclampsia is not something to take lightly. Just a few days later I ended up with a sweet blessing through that madness. My son was doing well for a preemie and after a long nicu stay he came home. He is an amazing 2 year old now, but other preeclampsia moms are not so fortunate. I know that my risk of reoccurance in a subsequent pregnancy are higher and its not set in stone that just because Mazio was born at 29 weeks and lived that another baby will do just as well.



My son, Mazio, the day he was born.

Quite ironic it is to now observe that in the same time that we'll be mourning the one year anniversary of the death of one child, we'll also be scared of losing another. Sometimes I find myself wishing I could watch my life unfold over the next 3 months. Like a movie that I could fast forward past the high intensity/scary part to see the resolve. Will I be really holding a newborn by Christmas? Will I get to use all these sweet baby girl clothes so soon? Will we be traveling back and forth to the hospital dealing with the stress of another preemie in the nicu? How will this part in our lives end? Only God knows. The only thing I can do is just simply wait for His will to unfold and pray that He holds us close in the coming weeks. Such a helpless feeling when you know that you have no control to protect your child. I do feel comfort in God's hands though. I'm still very scared. Although I know God will get us through the loss if it is His will that we say goodbye to another baby, I also know all too well that He cannot take away the pain that we must feel if that does come to pass. There is growth in that pain. That much, I've come to learn to be true. How I long for growth in a different means though. A growth in our family, an additional member, a sweet little baby girl.




Thursday, September 8, 2011

Baby Owen

I wanted to share this video with pictures of my dear friend's sweet baby boy. My friend has now started a blog about Owen. Please stop by and visit her blog sometime. I'm so encouraged that she has started this. I pray it helps her as much as its helped me.


Here blog: http://owenpaulmarx.blogspot.com/




Please continue to keep this family in prayer. I know all my fellow baby loss moms can relate to this stage of grief that she is going through.

Thank you!