Friday, September 30, 2011

One Year Anniversary

We've been so preoccupied with fixing the house after the flood that it seems as if these days have just creeped up as we were so unaware. A year? Already? I remember thinking as time stood still during that moment when life changed for us, when that baby girl's life was cut short before it really began that things would never be the same. I was so conflicted thinking I couldn't wait for time to move us from this place, from that pain, and yet wishing I could stay there forever because she was there. I didn't want to leave my baby. I knew time could heal but it also has a way of separating too. It's a hard road either way. A part of me just wishes that someone other than me would remember her. The sad truth of it is- this world goes too fast so fast that situations like that get forgotten and remembered too few. Its natural I suppose as time moves on but it's just hard. Another reminder that she isn't here and she isn't alive to be in the fore front of people's minds. There are no memories made besides that she was real and growing and then one day she was gone.

It's difficult to miss her so much and yet excited to meet this other little girl God is growing within me. Is it shaming her memory and what she meant to me? I hope not. The sad thing is that when this other little girl enters the world I'll know she won't be my first daughter or my second child. I don't want this little girl or Mazio to forget that they had another sister.

I feel ashamed to admit that I nearly forgot about today and I know I forgot yesterday. Yesterday was the day I went to the dr. and got that dreaded news. That day I felt my heart just sink and crumble. One thing that echoes in my mind the most about that day other than being and feeling utterly alone when I heard those words "I'm sorry but this isn't a viable pregnancy anymore", was standing in the ER parking lot with my husband as we both sobbed and held each other. Such a tender moment it was to me and to finally not feel alone that day. We shared in that pain. I told my husband that it seems as if there is a disconnect somewhere. Like I know I was pregnant and I know why it ended but its still hard to understand sometimes. One day your pregnant and see the living fetus on the ultrasound (which the doctors now say once you see the baby and the heart beat then it reduces your risk a bit for miscarriage) and the next day it all changes. Its hard to fathom that I would have had a 6 month old now but instead I'm pregnant. All in God's planning, I know. And that's really the only answer and yet the main source of my comfort.

One year ago today we said goodbye forever and though with time your memory fades in the world's mind, we can never seem to forget you. You'll always be our 1st little girl and our second blessing from God. I love you my sweet baby.

We were glad and surprised to see that they are putting in benches. It'll help make an uncomfortable place be a bit more comfortable.

One day when we can afford it we'd like to add our baby's name to the back of the stone. One family has added their little one. It will make it easier for Maz and any other siblings to find her.

Happy Birthday little one. You were born into our hearts and we miss you.

Monday, September 12, 2011

Closer and closer

Its getting closer and closer as each day brings with its end one more reminder or memory of where we were at this time last year. How oblivious to the fate of our baby right then. We hadn't known that she passed quietly away in one of the last 9 days or the long road of recovery both emotionally and physically that we were soon to face. How do you know when your world is about to change?

We knew on September 28th 2010. That day a tiny piece of our hearts cracked away forever. Now here we are just 2 weeks shy of a year later to the day. Not a day goes by that I don't feel the absence of that sweet baby or the hope we had for so many memories. I wouldn't be pregnant right now instead I would have been holding a 6 month old. God's will is so complex. We found comfort in Him and though the pain is great, His love is immeasurable.

These pictures are from 2 days post my d&c. Notice the tape junk still stuck to my hands and arms from IV's. I had 2-3 in each arm.

Days filled with tears. I was really anemic here.

So much is on my mind these days. As one year marks the death of one child the gestational week in my pregnancy is coming up marking the birth time of another. I am now 26 weeks as my 3d baby ticker claims on the left of my blog. As I'm starting to remember so much and relive last year, I'm reminded of the fear I had when I was pregnant with my son, Mazio.

I started developing complications with him when I was 27 1/2 weeks along. It started as swelling and then creeping blood pressure. I also was dipping noticeably higher levels of protein in my urine tests. I was hospitalized for 24 hours then sent home. Then mid way through my 28th week I was hospitalized again with higher blood pressures, more swelling and additional amounts of protein. I never made it home again pregnant after that. My health went down hill quite fast. A perfectly normal looking pregnancy took the turn for worse and everything seemed to spiral out of control. Preeclampsia is not something to take lightly. Just a few days later I ended up with a sweet blessing through that madness. My son was doing well for a preemie and after a long nicu stay he came home. He is an amazing 2 year old now, but other preeclampsia moms are not so fortunate. I know that my risk of reoccurance in a subsequent pregnancy are higher and its not set in stone that just because Mazio was born at 29 weeks and lived that another baby will do just as well.

My son, Mazio, the day he was born.

Quite ironic it is to now observe that in the same time that we'll be mourning the one year anniversary of the death of one child, we'll also be scared of losing another. Sometimes I find myself wishing I could watch my life unfold over the next 3 months. Like a movie that I could fast forward past the high intensity/scary part to see the resolve. Will I be really holding a newborn by Christmas? Will I get to use all these sweet baby girl clothes so soon? Will we be traveling back and forth to the hospital dealing with the stress of another preemie in the nicu? How will this part in our lives end? Only God knows. The only thing I can do is just simply wait for His will to unfold and pray that He holds us close in the coming weeks. Such a helpless feeling when you know that you have no control to protect your child. I do feel comfort in God's hands though. I'm still very scared. Although I know God will get us through the loss if it is His will that we say goodbye to another baby, I also know all too well that He cannot take away the pain that we must feel if that does come to pass. There is growth in that pain. That much, I've come to learn to be true. How I long for growth in a different means though. A growth in our family, an additional member, a sweet little baby girl.

Thursday, September 8, 2011

Baby Owen

I wanted to share this video with pictures of my dear friend's sweet baby boy. My friend has now started a blog about Owen. Please stop by and visit her blog sometime. I'm so encouraged that she has started this. I pray it helps her as much as its helped me.

Here blog:

Please continue to keep this family in prayer. I know all my fellow baby loss moms can relate to this stage of grief that she is going through.

Thank you!

Friday, September 2, 2011

24 Week Appointment

I'm writing this at 3am because I'm crazy. All I seem to want to do anymore is sleep and yet at the hour of which most normal people are sleeping I can't seem to. Go figure! So since I'm not in my comfy bed drifting into dream land I figured I'd update you all on my last dr. appointment. My last appointment was on Tuesday, a very sad day. In fact I had just learned the news of my dear friend's loss right before my appointment. I was fighting back tears as I waited anxiously in the waiting room.

Her loss brought back memories of last summer and losing our little one, though it was not the same situation or circumstance. I was so anxious to get back to the dr and see if this baby was okay.

Coincidentally my friend learned of the loss of her baby via ultrasound which was the same way I learned of our loss. Ultrasounds are suppose to be the happy time where you get to see your kicking and thriving baby. It quickly turns into a nightmare to us women who have experienced this type of devastation. Another coincidence I have seen between my friend's loss and mine is that both our losses have occurred within a short amount of time apart. On September 1st of last year I had my last living ultrasound, on the 29th we learned of the death of our baby and on the 30th I had my d&c. Our losses are a month apart even though the circumstances are vastly different. I cannot imagine delivering my child stillborn. I have such deep respect, love, and grief for any woman who has had to endure such pain. I pray through tears that God will comfort her and guide her through this sorrow. I pray she leans on Him.

It seemed like an eternity had passed when they finally called my name to come back. As I had sat nervously watching many other women go before me from the waiting room. Unfortunately the waiting wasn't quite through as I had to wait even more for the dr to come into the room. I thought for sure my blood pressure would be through the roof since learning so soon before the appointment of my friend. Plus on top of that since my first pregnancy with preeclampsia I have developed white coat syndrome when it comes to getting my bp taken. Surprisingly it was very good so the nurse said. Finally the dr. came in and I was nervously talking his ear off I'm sure as I told him about my friend's recent loss and asked him numerous questions about my pregnancy as he glided the doppler. I was so nervous and then I heard the baby's heart beating louder then I had heard it thus far. What a calmness that brought to a tragic day.

He said they won't be changing my due date as they had thought at my previous appointment. That was a relief. So it looks as though this baby will be born sometime in the week of November 29th if all goes well.(as far as preeclampsia is concerned of course)So we could have a November or December baby.
My next appointment will be September 13th. I will have another ultrasound that day which made me a bit scared at first. They looked over my last ultrasound results and called me at home the day after this appointment to add that to my next appointment. I guess they couldn't measure the baby's heart and one foot as she was moving or laying awkwardly. I was told I'd be getting these once a month anyway but just the way they called me from home so soon after the appointment about it made me feel uneasy but it seems as though things are fine. They have assured me that she looks healthy and doing good. So that is my update for tonight err this morning. Ugh, I really do need to try and get some sleep. This week has been so emotional and trying, no wonder its hard to sleep. I can't stop thinking about my friend and her family. My heart just aches for them right now. :(

Please check my next post as it will include an exciting little bit of info! :)