Sunday, January 30, 2011

Preparing for Battle

Just some of my usual ramblings and thoughts I had to post. It helps to clear my mind on here.

You ever get those days where it feels you constantly are having a tug of war with your "feelings"? Lately, well mainly today, it seems I'm tugging and tugging but keep falling on my butt. Ugh, I hate these days!

It seems my life is a constant tug of war with something. It wasn't until the beginning of my relationship with God that I discovered my life before Him wasn't what I thought it was at all, but yet when I saw it for what it was it all made sense. I discovered that I had been waging war with myself my whole life. That's how it is for so many. I had been battling myself and using the world as my accomplice. Charging myself with inequity and pushing myself up to a standard I would never be able to match up to. None of that really matters now though, but the war still goes on, but its a different one. This time I'm fighting back but this time I'm not alone. God gives me strength. There was an awesome quote that I heard recently but I can't remember it at the moment. It said something about the greatest battle of my life isn't with any earthly things or the heavens above but within myself.

It's not by accident that all of a sudden the unseen is seen, its only by the hand of God that one can really see this battle going on. Though some like myself have felt it before we could really see it but we had no ammunition, we had no weapons, no artillery unless you have God. It's really quite amazing to me now. I'd like to quote a sermon by John Piper that I thought was quite awesome:

If you wonder how to make war-go to the manual! Don't just belly ache about your misfortunes-make war!
There is something about war that sharpens the senses. You hear a twig snap or a rustling of the leaves and you are in attack mode. Someone coughs and you are ready to pull the trigger. Even after little or no sleep war keeps us vigilant.

Progress cannot be made without endurance and that's much to the same with living your life for a higher purpose, for Him. People who think they believe or want to appear that way seem to get it all wrong. Endurance isn't made through prosperity or complete peace. It's made through suffering and pain. Some of the best soldiers in the military could speak to that. Your history books could tell you that. The very soil under your toes, if you live in the U.S that is, is forever stained with blood shed for freedoms won and fought for. Though the road is hard and its narrow don't think its not worth it, that He isn't worth it. I keep trying to remember the pain that Jesus took on that cross for me and my sins. Piper has quoted once;
"If I reject the crucifixion of Christ for my payment, I will be crucified every day till the debt is paid. Forever." It's very eye opening, I think, when you hear it put like that.

When I was in junior high and high school I use to run cross country. I loved running and the way it felt to run a race. All the adrenaline was an amazing rush. My 2 older brother's both ran as well. So I guess I was also trying to follow in their foot steps as I looked up to both of them with high reguard. One time my one brother was teasing me about being a girl runner and how I wouldn't make it far or be any good. I got upset and told him "you just wait and see, I'm going to run in the Olympics one day!" Of course as you can assume I never made it to the Olympics and I have never ran professionally, but I look back and think to myself boy did I have no clue that I would be running a much more important race than the Olympics.....

"Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one receives the prize? So run that you may obtain it." 1 Cor. 9;24

"I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus." Philippians 3:14

The race for this prize that is spoke of in these 2 verses cannot be achieved without the necessary staples for the sport though. Any marathon runner, Olympic athlete, or even high school track/cross country runner could tell you that you cannot think to win a race without shoes. Surely running in your bare feet would be a bit difficult as well as un-prepare you for the road. Just like any other race the turf can be unpredictable and you will come across many rocks and pebbles. No shoes= very hurt foot. Yes, I need shoes, you need shoes, we all need shoes! And in this race metaphor shoes are necessary. Our shoes prepare us for the long road. I can think of nothing else in a believer's life that would be his/her bread and butter than being in the Word! So I think of it like this; if I want to have any chance of winning that race and living my life for His glory through thick and thin ....I need my shoes! I have to be in the Word or else I will just be falling on my butt like in the tug of war game only I won't have any help or reason to get up.

No war that's worth winning and dying for is ever short of casualties. Sometimes you have to bury yourself to live forever.

Through the endurance of pain and suffering the only thing that will keep me going is having God in my heart. I have to be so utterly consumed in His word that I can almost hear Him speaking to me. Now that won't always happen but it needs to be my/our fuel. You can't dwell on all the pain either. God has shown us many times in the bible to expect casualties! It's going to happen! God even had a casualty. He gave up the only one perfect Being, Christ, for a world's worth of imperfect ones. It makes me think of our lives and how so many have become slaves to the world and slaves to themselves. What happens to us once the world and ourselves point out our flaws? The world eats you up and spits you out when you don't fit the mold and yet we keep coming back for more!? Why you may ask, because they don't have God. They don't have the gift from a perfect Son that died for an imperfect world. The only gift worth fighting for that makes you perfect in the eyes of the Lord. No matter if I got everything I ever wanted and every desire in this life it would mean nothing to the unfulfillable debt I owe and have yet to pay without Christ.

Well these are my random ramblings and all around thoughts for today! :) Hope they made sense!

Sunday, January 23, 2011

"Be Still My Soul"

Brrr! Its so cold out there today! And yet I'm craving a hot fudge sundae with all the fix'ns! Go figure!:) Have you ever had those days where you go to make a meal and it turns into a huge disaster and you end up ruining what you were preparing? Yeah, that was me today! We had fellowship dinner at church today so I was wanting to bring something I haven't brought before. Let me just say that trying to cook ham and potato casserole on low all night in the crock-pot is a bad idea! *Sigh* Oh well I ended up whipping up a quick dish- pizza rice which wasn't too terrible but when your heart gets set on oooey gooey cheese nothing else can stray you from its deliciousness! Yes I think something cheesy is in order for dinner this week sometime!:)

Well on to my whole thoughts for this new post. While we were singing hymns this morning there was one I happen to cross while flipping pages that spoke to me. Its called "Be Still My Soul". It really encouraged me while I read the lyrics and I thought someone who has gone through similar losses of a child or any hardship would most certainly relate to it. So here it is:

Be still, my soul! the Lord is on thy side; Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain; Leave to thy God to order and provide; In every change He faithful will remain. Be still, my soul! thy best, thy heavenly Friend through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

Be still, my soul! thy God doth under take to guide the future as He has the past. Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake; All now mysterious shall be bright at last. Be still, my soul! the waves and winds still know, His voice who ruled them while He dwelt below.

Be still, my soul! the hour is hastening on when we shall be forever with the Lord. When disappointment, grief, and fear are gone, sorrow forgot, love's purest joys restored. Be still, my soul! when change and tears are past, all safe and blessed we shall meet at last.

I really liked what the lyrics are saying and it was so relate-able! I hope that maybe these lyrics might encourage and speak to someone else too!

Oh and by the way I have learned this past week how terrible I really am at math! More than I knew I was before! Ugh! Been doing the finances and figuring all our not fun:( Its funny the other day I could swear I could be an amazing cartoonist! As I was imagining our financial situation I could picture us being squeezed by a giant belt and popping out of our pockets were grocery receipts and bills, bills, bills! lol It hurts so much you just have to laugh, right?:)
However, I guess as the lyrics above state: "Leave to thy God to order and provide; In every change He faithful will remain.":)

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Time, she's a flying!

I cannot believe how quickly the weeks seem to be flying! January is almost over already! Did I see the other day that Walmart is already selling Easter stuff?! Crazy! I can hardly believe that in 2 weeks it'll be time again for more blood work, my 2nd monthly and after that only one more month left! Ahh! It's exciting:)

I found myself yesterday fondly remembering when I was pregnant with Mazio. It made me smile to think of the first time I felt him kick me. I remember it like it was yesterday, I was so thrilled! I remember I kept my hand almost permanently on my belly just to feel him kick one more time....ahh memories! Now he's this crazy and sometimes troublesome little boy! He keeps me on my toes. He really has been an angel of a child though. I really can't complain about him. He's a good baby. To think that tiny 2lb 9oz miracle would be with us now is simply a miraculous work of God! I love him so much!

To be honest, I've been feeling a bit overwhelmed. You know when your plate slowly builds up over a matter of days to that point where you feel like all your daily tasks, routines, extra weekly agendas and thoughts start boiling over in the make-shift pot that is your brain on the piping hot stove of your life? Yeah that's me this week!:) My life has been cooking up to quite a busy couple weeks ahead! I just hope at some point things slow down a little bit and my thoughts stop running.

I hope you're all having a great week and have even better weekends! Hopefully if your getting tons of snow like us tonight that you're careful on the roads tomorrow! I think the snow is starting to get a little old for me now. :)

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Praying for you....

I wanted to light this candle for all those who have lost a child. No matter if you've lost an infant, baby, son, daughter, or even a miscarriage. In this very hard walk through life God has shown me that He's led me through some extremely difficult circumstances. I've encountered some of the deepest pain I've felt and sadness to the point where it felt like there were no tears left. I've met some very sweet and encouraging people who have also felt the pain of losing a child who have helped me along the way on this journey.

Please know you're all in my prayers! I know its no easy task grieving the loss of a child. My heart aches for those who have lost children who were much older or further along than myself when I lost my angel. Though the road may seem daunting we're never really alone. One thing that brings me comfort is to remember that God also lost a child and if anyone would know my pain He would and He does! I think also of the beatitudes:
"Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted."
He is the Great Comforter and who else could be than He who also knows what it feels like?

Welcome, if you're visiting my blog for the first time and please if there is anyone you know who's lost a child please pray for them and keep them in your thoughts. If you have experienced loss yourself know that you're in my prayers as well.

This candle and prayers are also sent out to a fellow afflicted molar pregnancy mom, Julie. She has just been diagnosed with choriocarcinoma and faces high dose chemo, hair loss, and possible hysterectomy followed by yet again more powerful chemo drugs. In case your wondering, choriocarcinoma is a form of cancer that develops after a molar pregnancy if the abnormal cells still exist in the uterus. It is a more treatable and possible curable cancer but lets face it any form of cancer is no walk in the park.

I'm praying for you Julie!

To learn more of molar pregnancy and how it can affect you please visit The American Pregnancy Association website.

Also if you or someone you know has experienced a molar pregnancy and wants to share their experience or just get some encouragement and a eager ear please visit molar and partial molar pregnancy forum on baby center.

Also to Laura who has lost a daughter to another disease that her and I share, preeclampsia. Laura also experienced HELLP syndrome. She is currently 29 weeks along in her second pregnancy with a boy. Things are going good as far as preeclampsia and HELLP are concerned. She is passing up my own personal goal as I was 29 weeks 2 days when I had Mazio. Laura also has a blog, visit her here.

Praying for you Laura for a happy and healthy rest of your pregnancy!

Along with Laura is another preeclampsia mom, Chelsea. She lost her daughter as well. Chelsea is currently in her second pregnancy with a boy. She is 28 weeks now. Things are going good as far as preeclampsia is concerned with her as well! She also has a blog, you can visit her here.

Praying for you as well Chelsea and a happy and healthy pregnancy!

To learn more about preeclampsia and HELLP syndrome please visit The Preeclampsia Foundation website.

Saturday, January 15, 2011

Thank you Casey!!

Thank you Casey from Treasure Beans!

Hey Hello!

Hey Hello! I know its been a while. I'm less consistent these days with my posts it seems. Let's see here what have I been doing lately....hmmm. Oh I have been losing weight apparently! I went down 2 pant sizes:) That's always a good improvement!

I've honestly put baby things and the molar pregnancy stuff on the back burner. Not that it doesn't still cross my mind or that I don't not want to try for a third pregnancy. Sorry for that double negative by the I'm such a rule breaker:). Any hoo where was I....oh yes, I've just been concentrating on being a better wife. Yeah It may seem a bit corny but its so easy to slack in the wife duties and such especially for me. My biggest challenge is battling my laziness. I'm half ashamed to admit it but....I can be a real slug. My butt is good at planting itself down on the couch for extended periods of time. Hey we all have a bit of that in us, right? As I hear silence followed by grasshopper After my birthday a switch somewhere inside me got kicked on and I made it my objective to get my butt into gear and work on being a better wife. Plus it'd make my hubby a lot happier.

I've been doing lots of cleaning and really making it a daily habit. Practice makes perfect...and now it just feels routine. I've also started planning out my grocery shopping with my weekly meal schedule. I realize many women probably do this already..but like I said before I've been a That's been working super great though and I'm really starting to like cooking more, well as long as its in a crock-pot! I've been loving this crock-pot cookbook my mom got me awhile back.

So that's where I have been! A busy bee tending my abode! I have got back on the treadmill today as well. Ben made me get to it again. He wants a baby and seems excited so I guess that gets me excited to get my rear in gear! :)

Monday, January 10, 2011

First Monthly Blood Draw!!!

And.....the results are in:


Woo Hoo!!! Still in the negative! Everything is looking good so far. Just 2 more monthly draws then I'll be done! Its hard to believe all the health problems that surrounded the pain will be over soon. I know I'll always miss my baby and what could have been. I refuse to let the fear of "what if" stop me from trying again for a third pregnancy. Plus, if God can get me through all that He can get me through anything and if He so wills...I know He'll get me through that again. I feel very motivated! I have been trying to get more healthy and praying more as well as reading more too! I want to be well prepared for the third pregnancy. Physically and spiritually with the Father. I'm excited! :)

Its amazing how so much can change and yet of course some will always be the same. I'm looking forward to this next step in the journey though. Anxious to see where God leads me through in the future.

Isaiah 41:10....
Fear not, for I am with you;
be not dismayed, for I am your God;
I will strengthen you, I will help you,
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Saturday, January 8, 2011

First Official Post!

Ugh! Its January the 8th and I haven't made an official post since the New Year! Gotta get back on my game, I'm stalling. So this is my first official post for 2011! lol I don't have much to write on at the moment but I had to atleast make one new post so here it is. I'll be back soon with more posts :)

Hope everyone is having lovely weekends! :)