Monday, November 29, 2010

Update

Hello again,


Its been a little while again. I really need to just reflect on what it is I'm wanting to portray through this blog. I'm thinking of re-doing some things. Hmmm...we'll see what I come up with.


Well, this is sort of an update on me and how I'm doing lately. Its been a bit crazy. I've been really sick,in fact, my whole house has been plus family. My husband and son have been sick as well as parents and in laws etc... There is a nasty stomach bug that has been going around. Its a brutal one. We've been sick in my house for a good week. I even lost 8-9lbs! I guess that's the only good thing that came from it...lol :)

Any way, my levels so far are dropping. Ever since I heard the diagnosis of the partial molar I've had to go in for blood work weekly to test my hcg levels. They need to make sure they're falling properly. So far they've been dropping nicely.

Here is my levels so far:
-day of the d&c(sept. 29th).... 54,739.9
-one month after(oct. 27th) .....57.8
-week 2 since diagnosis(nov. 3rd).... 27.5
-week 3(nov.11th)..... 14.6
-week 4(nov. 17th).... 9.3

Since I've been sick and Thanksgiving I missed my last week check. I go tomorrow for blood work. Praying that it goes well, but if it doesn't then its God's will and He'll get us through it. He's brought us this far, I know He won't abandon me.

Its been hard emotionally the past month. I've really been struggling with the reality of it all. It feels like life has gone on without her. In the moment of hearing she was gone, it seemed like time stopped and life stood still. Nothing could take me away from that moment and I didn't want it to. Even though that moment was filled with so much pain and tears it was something I shared with her. The one and only time I could share with her before life would sweep me away from her. I know that may sound weird, but I feel like at least in the pain I had her. Now time has rushed by and I feel so far away from her and now its that daily sting of knowing......she's gone.

I keep hearing my dr. in my head from the day of the d&c saying "It may have been a complete molar, there may not have been a baby at all." And my voice seeming so faint saying no she was alive! I saw her heart beating! Since then my dr. had suggested it 2 more times that maybe there was no baby, but we all now are on the same understanding that she was alive and we have proof with the ultrasounds. I still feel like I have to prove that she was real to myself and everyone. My husband was only there for the very first ultrasound, but there wasn't really much to see. The other ones he missed. I was the only one who got to see her tiny heart fluttering. I wish that I would have taped that some how now looking back. It was my only proof of her living.
Its hard losing a loved one no matter the circumstance but I think its harder when you don't have much proof of the existence of a loved one beyond the thoughts and dreams of them. I know my friends have told me that it doesn't matter if anybody else believes she was real or not and that all that matters is that I know. Sometimes I find myself doubting it though. If its God's will that I never have another baby then I know everything will be okay because its His will for my life and in the end its for His glory, but I think that's why its so important to me to know that she was real and she did exist.

Every time I think about her it brings me to tears but not as much as when I think of her being real or not. As I'm writing this it has me raining down on my keyboard. I keep trying to surround myself with her name as little reminders of her short tiny life. You know what makes me so sad is thinking about all those who believe that aborting a baby and its viability. Its a life right from the start whether science justifies it or not. God has justified it, which is why He has crafted it. The world considers babies under a certain age non-viable and able to abort them, and if you don't know how they do that -its a horrific process! But the world views babies under,I believe 22 weeks, non-viable meaning not living or of sustaining life. So the world considers my baby non-viable. My baby means nothing in the world's view. I think that's why when you experience a miscarriage you feel like you can't mourn very long or be sad too much because the world expects you to get over it, it wasn't real....it wasn't alive...it wasn't a life. Even though I know the world is full of a bunch of crap and lies for some reason it still bothers me.

Well that's my post for tonight and my son needs to go to bed and so do I!

Until next time....

Love,

Monday, November 15, 2010

A Sweet Short Blessing

Hello,

I know its been ages since I last wrote anything on here. Since recent events in my life lately I've been preoccupied in dealing with these changes to sit down and write on here about them. Today I thought I'd start to....

My last post was a happy one and looking back at all that joy and thanksgiving for the precious miracle that God had blessed us with it seems so long ago. The past couple months have been a growing process in our Lord for sure-for me. I can feel Him urging me to learn to trust even more in Him than ever before and bringing about His will and means for me to learn that in the most difficult situations I have yet to face in my life. He has brought me to my knees,humbled me and has me crying out for strength and peace in Him that only He can provide.

Taking you back to Sept. 1st it was one of my many ultrasound checks for this pregnancy.I was excited to get to see the baby(8weeks 4days) and saw once again the little flutter of its heart beating. I'll never forget that moment. Its in moments like those seeing God's complex power and grace that bring me to awe and has me in tears over our mighty&worthy God.

On September the 28th I went in for a routine dr. visit at my clinic. It was just suppose to be a tummy check and the very first time I'd be able to finally hear the baby's heart beat with a doppler. I was pretty excited to hear that heart beating inside me. A sort of reassurance that my crazy fear of miscarrying was nothing more but a silly anxiety. As I laid there on the table watching the face of my dr. I could tell something wasn't right and was worried why I wasn't hearing my baby's heart. The dr. sent me over to get an ultrasound to see if the baby was just hiding somewhere. As soon as the ultrasound tech had started I could immediately tell something was very wrong. I was suppose to be 12 weeks along and yet I was having trouble seeing the baby on the monitor. It looked the same as the last ultrasound I had 3 1/2 weeks prior. Then the heartbreaking news that every mother fears...the tech looked at me and said that the baby was gone. It had passed away after my last dr. visit 3 1/2 weeks ago. I felt my eyes flooding with tears and I was all alone. My husband had to work that day so it was just me and my 15 month old son. I saw my dr. after the ultrasound and she recommended getting a D&C done as soon as possible. So the operation was scheduled for the very next day. It was so much to take in.

The next day at the hospital bright and early with my husband I once again found myself laying down awaiting for the operation that was going to sever my baby from me forever. It was so hard. It wasn't easy holding the tears back. Thankfully I was going to be unconscious for the procedure and I was told that it'd be very quick. They said 15-20 minutes and then it'd be over.
The last thing I remember was them wheeling me back and fighting back more tears as they had the mask on me counting back from 10. When I woke up in recovery I felt so much pain and my husband was there. Just as soon as I awoke the dr. rushed to my side and looked very frazzled. She told me in almost one long run-on sentence that my procedure took 3 hours because I hemorrhaged very badly. I lost a pint and a half of blood (1500?) and had to have a transfusion. I also developed an infection and had a fever. The reason I learned that I was in so much pain was that they had to do an exploratory laparotomy to make sure they didn't puncture my uterus. Along with all that news she said that she didn't think it'd be wise for us to have more babies. I didn't know what to think at first. I was just glad that I didn't die or have a hysterectomy which I was told was a possibility.

Some think it was the morphine for why I seemed calm about everything the next day and a half at the hospital but I know that it was God comforting me. The way I see it He has given me the perfect resource to witness and share a good testimony for His glory through this pain. Its never easy going through the trials that come and go in this life but God holds the difference for how that trial affects you and how you use it to His glory. If God never gave us trials in our life we wouldn't be continually growing and forming to be the stronger and wiser in the faith. (Psalm 119:71)

An excerpt from Streams in the Desert by L.B Cowman:

"It is a remarkable occurrence of nature that the most brilliant colored plants are found on the highest mountains, in places that are the most exposed to the fiercest weather. ....Isn't it the same with a Christian who is afflicted, storm-tossed and without comfort? Until the storms and difficulties allowed by God's providence beat upon a believer again and again, his character appears flawed and blurred. Yet the trials actually clear away the clouds and shadows, perfect the form of his character, and bestow brightness and blessing to his life."

We got the Pathology report back a week or 2 after the surgery. Fortunately everything looked normal, to whatever degree normal is for this sort of thing. There was a lot of necrosis or deteriorating of the baby due to it having died almost a month before they discovered that it had. The dr. was still very concerned about why I bled so badly so she had us go see a hematologist to rule out any blood disorders including TTP. Which is a very rare blood disorder that occurs in pregnant women. The hemotologist took around 20 tubes of blood...it was a bit crazy!
My husband and I decided at the hospital the day for the D&C that we wanted chromosome testing done to determine gender. We thought it'd help us with coming to terms and for closure.
I got a call unexpectedly from our dr. one day saying that those results were back. They weren't able to determine the gender due to so much deterioration. However she did have a diagnosis for why the baby had died. She said that the chromosome testing confirmed a partial molar pregnancy.

Which basically means that the baby would have been okay but during conception instead of one sperm to the egg there was 2. In that process there was too many chromosomes and it unfortunately affected the placenta working properly. The scary part of molar pregnancies is that they can lead to geastational trophoblastic disease. That occurs if there is found to be any abnormal tissue/cells left in the uterus after the D&C. If there is then the recommended treatment is methotrexate injections which is a low dose chemo but if needed more aggressive chemo will be used. If the abnormal cells then it turns into a cancer called choriocarcinoma.

The next step in this process for me is I get my hcg levels checked weekly until they are less than 5. This is done to monitor if there is any leftover abnormal cells and if there is then my levels will rise instead of fall and the chemo would be administered. The day of the operation my levels were in the 54,00's. A month later they were 57.8 and at 5 weeks they were 27.5. Right now as of last week they are 14.6. So they are falling. Good news is that once they are below 5 I will just get them checked monthly for 6 months and then we should be cleared to have more babies! I'm hoping that by the end of November I'll be below 5. I'm amazed and truly thankful that God brought us from hearing that we will maybe never have anymore to a possibility for the future. He is so good and sovereign!

Everyday and week has been a constant struggle for me through this though. I think I'm dealing with a touch of postpartum depression and I haven't been praying very much. Not nearly as much as I ought to be. That's still something I'm working on. I feel like God has brought me to a better place though along the way. I'm not so concerned about the future and having more babies or not. I'm just trying to deal with the present.....for we aren't guaranteed a tomorrow and Christ's return could be swifter than our minds can comprehend and how more can I do what I'm called to do and share the gospel.

Through this whole thing I've found encouragement through music and a few artists I would reccomend..Lecrae,Trip Lee, Sho Baracka, PRo, Tedashi, Shia Lynne. They do Christian rap but their lyrics are very deep and sing about the sovereignty of God among other things.

Well that's what I wanted to write to so far and bring this blog up to date, I'll write more a little later.



Love,