Wednesday, March 28, 2012


The title to this post emulates the weight of my thoughts and feelings lately perfectly. Heavy.

Recently while at the memorial stone from Aultman that commemorates the babies lost too soon, I noticed there was a growing list of names etched into the back of the stone. I have wanted for a while now to add our baby’s name but just kept putting it off. At first, I thought it would be too much money but never bothered to check into it. I think my real reason was I was a little nervous to because of the finality that would come with it. Now after seeing the other names, I want hers to be added. Maybe one day someone will look at the stone and see her name and wonder who she was or how small she was when she passed away. When I was a kid, my aunt use to take my cousin and I on walks in the summer when I would stay over. We use to walk up the hill to this old church and cemetery. My aunt would tell us about the people she knew who had died and were buried there. She use to tell us their stories and who they use to be. We would even look at the older stones and make up in our heads who we thought each person was and what their stories were. I want my kids one day to be able to go to the memorial stone and know that is where the memory of their little or big sister is commemorated along with other lost babies.

I discovered that the cost for the name would only be $100. I was shocked it was so cheap. I had always envisioned in my head them telling me $50 a letter or something like that. Through sobs, I asked Ben if we could do it and he said yes. I was so relieved! This was actually going to happen! When I went to the cemetery office, I was so nervous. The man helping me took me to this small room with 2 walls covered in example head stones. (The flat kind and ones for mausoleums) He had me sit in there while he got some papers for me to sign. It felt like I was in there for hours as I tried to ignore the walls. It was so hard. I kept thinking, “I got to get out of here now” I wanted to just run right out of that room.

It was so depressing as I looked at some of the pictured examples wondering if those were real people and what had happened to them. I could not believe I was actually sitting in that room about to sign papers for adding my lost baby’s name. Though my loss is not quite as heavy as others I know whom have lost babies I felt like in that moment I could almost feel the weight of it. I can’t imagine how any of my dear friends managed to sit in rooms like mine awaiting to sign papers and pick out head stones. Death is inevitable that much is true and it seems to be circulating my thoughts ever since I sat in that room. My dreams have been affected lately. My thoughts seem ever saturated as I ponder what it will be like when I have to possibly sit in that room again for another loved one or maybe my loved ones for me.

I even stupidly clicked on a video recently showing the real death of a senator thinking it wasn’t real. I can now fully attest to its reality as its also stuck in my mind. Heavy.

How did Jesus do it? How heavy God’s heart must have felt to give up his son. If the losses we feel in this world are a taste then I cannot even imagine more.

I think once I see our baby’s name on the stone that it will bring a sense of closure. Not that I haven’t know for a long time now that it was over. Her life is over. I feel like once I see her name that I might be able to forget that cold and scary room. I now will know in my heart that I have completed that last piece of the puzzle.

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Peanut Butter Bars

Thought I'd share another super yummy Pinterest recipe I've recently tried.(And LOVED!!)

This recipe is from Six Sister's Stuff blog.

If you like Reese Cups or Reese Goodies then you'll love these!

Are you drooling yet? I won't torture you any further, here is the recipe;

1 cup butter melted
2 cups graham cracker crumbs (use the boxed kind, or grind them in a food processor. Tiny granules.)
2 cups confectioners’ sugar (aka powdered sugar)
1 cup + 4 tablespoons peanut butter
1 1/2 cups milk chocolate chips

In a medium bowl, mix together the melted butter, graham cracker crumbs, confectioners’ sugar, and 1 cup peanut butter until well blended. Press evenly into the bottom of an ungreased 9×13 inch pan. (I did mine in a 9X9 square pan because I wanted them thicker) In the microwave, melt the chocolate chips with the peanut butter, stirring every 30 seconds until melted until smooth. Spread over the peanut butter layer. Refrigerate for at least one hour before cutting into squares.

It's literally that easy! No baking, no oven! Yay! Now what are you waiting for? Go make some of these!

WARNING: Do not attempt this recipe if you are home alone as you WILL consume mass quantities of these bars ultimately causing intake of major calories. :)

Friday, March 9, 2012

Happy Spring

Vintage Wreath Easter
Turn family photos into photo Christmas cards.
View the entire collection of cards.

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Emotional thoughts

March and April have become emotional months for me recently. Since we lost Eleora they seem to just just carry many moments of sadness. In one of these months she would have been born. Either the end of March or the beginning of April she would have entered the world and into our arms. Now she's in the best arms to ever be in and the ones I long to be in one day too.

It felt like after I lost her that I became a statistic and in all honesty I was. Rolled up with the other 500,000 women each year who experience a miscarriage was me. Eleora was apart of that too joining the babies that died. Instantly I discovered that I had now been initiated into a secret society of women whom had experienced this loss as well. This society seems to be secret because I hadn't learned of many women I know who've had miscarriages until I lost my baby. They seem to come out of the wood work and remove their shrouds to embrace me. I've learned that some women hide this loss purposely because they are ashamed of (what society has down played) losing a child this way. Others found it too painful to resurface that memory. Some women were not afraid to speak of their loss though sadly they were few.

It angers me that the world cannot see, that they down play abortion and label it "pro choice" and there are 500,000+ women just in miscarriage statistics alone (not counting the other 26,000 that end in still birth every year or the 400,000 infant deaths) that cried when they lost their babies. The women that felt a deep gut wrenching pain for the children they "wanted". Did you know that 3,700 babies are aborted each day in the U.S. That is approximately 1,350,500 annually. Let me remind you of how many babies died that were "wanted"; 900,000.

I read recently that a woman near Pittsburgh laid her 2 day old baby down on the floor in his carrier while she used the bathroom and their new dog bit the baby's head several times. This baby ultimately died shortly after. There are a lot of people who are mad at this mother for allowing her baby to be in a vulnerable position with this dog. She's being charged as we speak. The dog is in the middle of a complex battle over his life. The courts want him put down and several other private parties are trying to keep him alive. Even the parents of the baby and random people are trying to adopt him. I don't know how many of you reading this blog know about the process of abortion and how they carry it out but let me tell you its gruesome. Something even the worst horror film couldn't match. My question is, how is this dog killing a baby any different than if the mother were to abort the child? If the circumstances were changed people would be supporting this woman for her "choice" and not for her neglect. So why is our country allowing thousands of babies to die because of the neglect and lack of love for their children?

Women who experience miscarriages are just swept up under the rug of society. They are directed through an unspoken agreement that their loss is "no big deal". " You can have another baby." " Oh, it's good that it died young and wasn't older." It was too small to really count." No baby under 24 weeks is a viable life anyways." These are the same mind sets as the people who strongly approve of abortion. It's seen as no big deal and in many cases a nuicance that needs eradicated. These babies are seen as non viable even though a heart starts beating at 6 weeks. In 2008 the average gestational week of abortions was 9.5 weeks.

Like a well oiled machine, God created these babies and from the moment of conception a life is formed with or without that beating heart. You would think that the little heart beating alone would be enough to reach in and grab someone else's heart, maybe the mother's. Unfortunately the beating of a heart is depreciated greatly in this world but not to the thousands of grieving mothers. Those precious beats ring as loud as victory bells.

I've seen and read many things lately on the female genocide in India and China. It's a big shock to many of us Americans as we see this as awful, which it is. It is unnatural to us in the U.S. Women activist groups are outraged. Many of you if you haven't heard of this before are most likely angered as well. I recommend googling it and watching this clip.
This genocide that is happening is against millions of women. Families in both countries do not see women as assets like they see men. Men can work and bring in a good income which ultimately provides well for their families. Women however are seen as useless. They are seen as good baby makers but not much else. In the ancient world of dowry these families feel the heavy burden of paying to marry off their daughters. So many of them see it is better to end the baby girl's lives shortly after birth and even before. It's quite....I don't even have the words for it really. Here in the U.S we are blinded by truth in this matter. While we may look down on this process in India and China we are quick to forget our own turmoil in a similar circumstance. We turn a blind eye to the abortion rates as we look at the missing and unaccounted women of the world. Where India and China may discriminate against women we here in United States surely do not. We eradicate both men and women. We murder thousands upon thousands of little men and women every year. Oh but we don't see it as a genocide or murder we see it as a choice to relieve a burden, a precious innocent life.

I can't help but be angry and ask; Why?

That is my thoughts for today.

Monday, March 5, 2012

Formula Box to Crayon Box

I haven't done anything crafty in months now and decided the other day I needed to do something about that. The perfect opportunity came when I noticed my son really enjoying coloring in his coloring book. A new milestone that I've noticed he's reached a creative peak. Yay! The only thing he was missing was a box to keep his crayons in. I had seen on Pinterest that you can do a lot of crafty things with old formula containers so I thought I'd give this a shot. Plus I have a lot of used formula containers laying around now since my daughter seems to be inhaling food right and left!:)

This is what it looked like before....

And this is what it looked like finished.......

A few tips:

1.) I started off by peeling off the stickers. You may need to use goo gone or run really hot water over them to get them off.

2.)I found some sticky ribbon at JoAnn Fabric for like 95cents. You could also try a cool scrapbook paper and mod podge but I have a toddler that would see that as a challenge to rip it all off. :)

3.) Stickers!! Kids love stickers, especially mine and its a fun way to decorate. If you have a toddler like mine I'd recommend a flay sticker and not the bubbled ones I used above. They were far too easy for my son to peel off.

4.) Lastly I used mod podge to kind of seal the stickers and ribbon. Just for an added finish.

And Voila! A very cute and fun crayon box recycled from a formula container! :)