Monday, April 13, 2015
I've been reading with a good friend of mine, This Great Salvation by C.J Mahaney and Robin Boisvert. We have only just begun but just in the bit I've read its stirred up thoughts. Now, I don't know about anyone else but for me I have to let things marinate with me for a little while after reading or listening.
In the first page C. J talks about how upon preparing for a speech for a retreat and the Sunday sermon his wife came to him expressing her feelings of neglect. He thought he had an excuse because of his preparations for the busy schedule but then later felt convicted and apologized.
He conditioned getting his lesson ready which just so happened to be about marital intimacy and he felt guilt,shame and accusation. That little voice that tells us we suck essentially. That little voice was speaking to him saying what right do you have to speak on marital intimacy when you've just screwed up with your wife. He gave resolve to how to over come those accusations and guilt: Romans 8:28-29...
In short, God was and is working all things whatever they may be( sufferings,trials,etc) for our good. And I think to myself, I get that. If God hadn't convicted him he might never had seen his error with his wife and it in extension made his sermon he was preparing for more meaningful as it was from experience. Trial and error. It ultimately grew him in his understandings and dealings with his wife and marriage. So who better to have spoke on martial intimacy? Right? I get that.
For me, I have realized that I am not naive to think that I won't have sufferings or trials in this life.
However, like most people I'm sure, I struggle with wanting to suffer or trial beautifully and when I don't I feel the shame,guilt and whispering accusations. I perceive others going through trials and it looks beautiful. They fall down they knee up and dust themselves off. As for me, I, metaphorically, knee up then trip on my shoelaces several times followed by a few face plants onto the ground. It's ugly. I even feel ugly during and afterward. I can't even tell you how many times I have felt like that. Like, God's little reject child off to the side or at least that's what I perceive thanks to that little voice of accusation. It's so hard and I feel I struggle with this often. I feel like I have amnesia at times, not learning from the previous times. I am thankful for this reminder that God is working my trips and face plants for my good. I'm starting to see that because of my sin it's not always going to be a beautiful process but the end result will be. Just as long as I keep getting back up.
Sunday, October 12, 2014
Welcome baby Cora! She was born on August 25th at 7:40am weighin 6 lbs. 6 oz. 17 1/2 inches long. Our second smallest baby! We are delighted! Mazio, Arleigh and Ellie love their new baby sister! Four kiddos sure makes life busier but more sweet!
Friday, May 2, 2014
It's not been easy trying to navigate these crazy feelings and hormones. I am trying my best or at least I hope that I am. I know I need to just stop thinking and rest solely in Him. Why is this so hard to do?! Ultimately I know that all things work according to His plans and not my own but my flesh tries so desperately at times to grab hold of the wheel. As if it really could. Whatever God has planned for my life my main focus should just be on glorifying Him....even at times when I shamefully admit that I don't really want to. Force myself to pray when I don't feel like it. And pray that God will restore my passion for Him even though He allows me to suffer and not get what I might want at times. Remembering that His plans are always greater than my own is just such a hard thing to think about when your feeling disgruntled and at times heartbroken. He leaves me feeling lost sometimes and utterly alone. Abandoned to my own corrupt feelings and thoughts. Yet, I know that He is the center to my gravity. My need for Him is the same as my body needing air and my feet needing balance to stand. I know that I need Him. Like a hidden force field I feel drawn to Him so much that His happiness dictates my every move and decision. But do I truly understand it? Do I feel it? Do I cling to Him daily like my heart needs to beat?
Honestly He doesn't always make me happy. When I'm caught up feeling like a spoiled child that didn't get what she wanted and ignores the many gifts her Father did get her to just be discontent. I don't want to be that girl. He leaves me in deep confusion so often. He transplants, or at least I feel He does, a desire or an empty void in my heart for a specific idea or mission then leaves me to wait for an unknown time on His ques. In my impatience I squirm and stress. I grasp at anything that is stationary that will stop my free fall into my flesh forgetting that He is the only immovable force that can save me from myself.
Often I wonder why He even bothers. I am just a lost cause that will never reverberate His word like a loud gong to the world. I will never shine so that the hearts of all men will see His light. I am broken like glass and the cracks only continue to spider further. I try to remind myself that He has promised to bring healing to the broken and to save the lost. Yet I feel like when He said those things He wasn't thinking of me. Will I ever be like those women of God who float on His word and sing bouts of His greatness? Those women who echo His love and gentleness. The mothers who guide her children lovingly into His warm rays to the point her own children can see her glow with His light. The ones who seem to have boundless patience with their spouse and children. They don't get upset when play-doh fills their carpet or when there is crayons on the wall. When their kids talk back and misbehave they gently, nearly every time, remind them of what God says and discipline without a hint of anger. God, will you ever make me a woman like that? Will it be painful if so? You are the potter and I am the clay but please be gentle when you knead. Its a wonder how I can feel so fragile in your hands yet so safe too.
For all the times I feel unworthy, lost and so desperate for hope You always bring me around again in Your own specially designated timing and show me that all the time I spent squirming You were working something beautiful. A beauty that I couldn't have seen or imagined I'd want. I know that resting in You, though it may be hard, is fruitful. So for all the times I doubt and my flesh makes me weak I will hold fast to You and Your promises...even when I may not feel like it. Your assurance is far greater than anything I could emptily try to reassure myself. I make this vow right now to force myself to trust in You even though I don't feel it right now. I only pray that I get better at this. To be a better daughter who can patiently and ,un-squirming, wait on Your plans.
Wednesday, April 2, 2014
We found out a few days after my birthday in January that we would be expecting another baby. We have tossed around the idea of a fourth but down the road in a few years. Needless to say this was a big surprise! :) Four will complete our family. My official due date is September 12th but this will be another early c-section so it will be sometime at the end of August. We have our ultrasound to find out the gender on April 28th. So about 4 weeks!
Wednesday, August 14, 2013
So for 3 1/2 weeks now I have been busting butt to lose weight. Its just the beginning and I have a long journey ahead of me. I have 30lbs that I'd like to be rid of and they didn't magically come on over night. So, I am giving myself a goal of next June to reach my weight loss goal. With now three little ones its quite difficult to make time to work out. I tried the 30 day shred and even a mere 25 minutes seems to be a bit much for my life now. So I am on a very calorie restricted diet. I'm on 1,082 calories daily. I try to go for a hard run twice a week. We have been taking the kids to the park once or twice a week to play and hubby watches them so the baby and I can walk. It's been a nice arrangement. I hope to lose all this weight. Sometimes I feel I'll never reach my goal but I'm still truckin on.
My diet now is high protein, low carb, and low to no sugar. I allow myself only one cheat meal a week. Since mornings are pretty rough here anymore with feeding kids, diapers, and taking care of our dogs, I have no time for breakfast myself. I have found a great protein bar though that I love as a great breakfast. They taste really good too!
Out of all of the flavors of the brand, this is my least favorite.
It taste more chalky and the peanut butter flavor is less than desirable.
It taste more chalky and the peanut butter flavor is less than desirable.
Now this one is my favorite flavor. It taste almost like chewy cookie dough with little chocolate chips inside. Can't taste a protein flavor at all.
This one is my next favorite. The marshmallow creme filling is really good!
This one literally tastes like a Snickers bar! Very good! It seems to be a little bit smaller than the other bars.
I was afraid to try this one. Chocolate in a protein bar can be easy to screw up the flavor, but surprisingly this flavor was really good! The flavor and consistency made this taste just like a brownie!! I really like this one as a snack every once in a while if I have some calories left over at night and am craving something sweet. :)
This is the last flavor I have tried so far. It's not bad. Very good. A nice change up when I want to try a different flavor. It has a strawberry mixture on the top.
The great aspect of these bars is their high protein low carb and calorie ratio. If you are looking for a good protein bar I highly recommend these bars! Reasonably priced at just $6 and some change at Walmart! They taste great too!
I hope to be posting more about this journey and hopefully I'll get closer to my goal by the holidays!
Monday, August 5, 2013
Saturday, August 3, 2013
Our little trio sure keeps us busy! But they sure do look cute!
Little Ellie is 2 months old now. She's smiling and cooing and she starts to grab her toys on her play mat.
Sweet Arleigh is growing up to be a big girl, makes momma sad but she is such a good girl!
Maz is still ornery as ever but he loves to help me with the baby. He is always volunteering to hold her and feed her.
Took the kiddos to the zoo today and it was quite an adventure taking all three but it was fun. It was a good workout for us parents pushing strollers and wagons!
Ellie did nothing but nap the whole time. lol
Gotta love our crazy little crew! :-)