Friday, December 31, 2010

Happy New Year!!!




What a day! What a year! A lot of things have happened this past year in 2010. Lots of memories,tears and lest I not forget a lot of growth in God. Mazio will be 2 this June. Where does the time go? Some days I wish he was still that little baby boy I use to be able to cradle in my arms. Its amazing what can happen in a years time!

I feel very good about 2011. I think the new year will bring lots of change and more memories made! And who knows maybe God has willed to extend our family in some way this next year. Either way I think 2011 is going to be a good year!

I get to ring in the new year celebrating the uniting of my cousin Jeriad and Chelsea in marriage tonight! Exciting! So happy for them!

I wish you all a wonderful new year! Please be safe and careful tonight!

Happy New Year Everyone!!!! 2011!!




Sunday, December 26, 2010

Christmas and the Frozen Teddy Bear

I must admit, I have really been dreading the holidays this year. I couldn't wait till Christmas was over. Not that I don't appreciate or fully understand the significance of Jesus' birth or what His life and death mean to me. It's just the past several months have just been so hard and emotionally straining. All that has happened has really rocked my life completely and I know now more than ever that things will never quite be the same as they were. There has been nights where the pain just rushes through me like fire and it goes on almost all night seeming endless. I hadn't experienced that before even after I found out she was gone. I have just been crying so much lately. The closer and closer it got to Christmas the harder and harder it was.

And on Christmas morning as I watched Maz tearing into his gifts I could almost see a little girl smiling with long brown hair tearing into hers as well. It was a sweet dream. Then I remembered that that little girl would never get to do that or see a Christmas morning. I miss her terribly...I miss the dream that was my daughter. I know that only God's big strong arms can comfort me and I just long to be wrapped up in them right now.




We went and visited the tomb stone on Christmas eve. I was ashamed of myself for not having gone sooner. It was hard. As we approached the stone I saw this frozen teddy bear and I lost it....


So precious and so cold...like the tiny little lives that never got to really begin. It looked a little dirty and had fallen over so I sat him up and kept trying to clean him off until Ben had to almost pry me off of him. I felt like I had to take care of that little bear that someone left for their angel.



I brought her a little red poinsettia....


Someone lost their little boy and always brings little cars. I had to dig some of them out of the snow. It breaks my heart thinking of all those little flowers and tokens of parent's love for their lost angels. It gets me every time. I think of them often and try to remember to pray for those families.



"There is no foot too small that it cannot make an imprint on this world".

Now Christmas is over and after all the gifts have been unwrapped and the last Christmas cookie is eaten one thing will still remain.....



the broken dream of that precious little girl and that little hole inside my heart. I must say, however, that though she came and left me only with this pain.....she was the best Christmas gift/blessing I could have imagined.

I love you my baby girl.


Friday, December 24, 2010

Merry Christmas!!!!



Its been so crazy busy the past several days getting ready for the holidays! I apologize for my blog absence but I'll be back to it on a regular basis after Christmas, I promise!!

I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas tomorrow and tonight with your families!! Be careful if your out driving as well!!

Love you all!!


Friday, December 17, 2010

Thank you!!


Thank you Lea!!!

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Results from Yesterday!




Woohoo! One more weekly! Three months is gonna be coming up fast!

Busting my butt to lose this weight! Doing good so far though.:)
(((while biting nails to see if anyone's looking so she can sneak a cookie:)))lol



Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Things To Do While Waiting.....

Any woman who's had a molar pregnancy could tell you how incredibly hard it is to play the waiting game for those Hcg levels to plummet. In my boredom and experience I have drawn up a helpful list to pass the time. This is just for fun! :)

1. Prayer!
(c'mon, they don't call Him the Great Comforter for nothing!)
2. Crafts
(knitting is my favorite...and no grandma jokes!:))
3. Take up a dance class
(it's fun and it's exercise= a great combo!)
4. Start a blog
(some days you just need to vent and blogs are an amazing outlet for just that!)
5. Join a group forum
( it's such an encouragement to just talk with others who have worn your shoes)
6. Take a cooking class
(your husband will surely be happy to reap the rewards of this education!)
7. Work on getting healthy! Running...working out etc
( because you might need it after the cooking class! :) Plus you got to get healthy for that next pregnancy! :))
8. Start a great book
( it'll take you to a different world or be an extra boost of encouragement)
9. Start collecting for your next baby
(it's never too early plus it helps to keep a positive attitude)
10. Re-decorate your home/apartment
(start a big painting job or just slowly change the look with accent pieces)


The ideas are endless really! The main thing to focus on is a positive attitude and looking toward Christ! Being content and thankful in every blessing no matter how great or small! Good luck to any fellow molar pregnancy ladies who ever read this in the future and I pray all of you reach quick negatives! :)

Cookies, Cookies and more Cookies!

Well we're entering the home stretch. Only 11 days till Christmas! That is insane! I can't believe how the days are flying by. Since its getting so close I figured its about time to stop procrastinating and jump aboard the traditional cookie train before it passes me up!

Ben loves sugar cookie cut-outs, me on the other hand would rather have chocolate chip. :) Mmmm! Anything chocolate is a-okay in my book!

Yesterday I spent all day baking cookies. I made peanut-butter cookies with peanut butter chips and cut-outs. Ugh! I now remember how irritating and time consuming cut-outs are which is why I try avoiding them. I thought it'd be cool to try to decorate them all fancy but of course hubby says to just slap on some icing because he's hungry! Well they're just going to get eaten in the end so as long as they taste good that's all that counts......



Last night as I was baking the cut-outs Mazio had to have a taste. Much to my surprise(the kid is like a trash disposal-eats anything!) he spit it out! haha! I didn't know if I should be offended that my baking must have been that terrible or what. Then this morning I iced them and it was a whole different story! I can't keep him away from them now. Uh no! He's discovered the addiction that is sugar!

Here we come cavities! lol :)


I had another blood draw today so we'll see tomorrow what my result is. It should be well below 5 since last week we were 3.2! Who knows maybe next Christmas I'll be pregnant. One can only dream. :)

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Catching Up and More Snowy Days!

Whew! Its been so crazy busy lately that I've had 0 time to blog! Its finally slowed down. My mom just had surgery on her foot on Friday so she's been in a lot of pain so today I took her over some dinner prepared by my sweet mother in law.:) Thankfully my mom is starting to feel better but really groggy.

Brrr! It feels like its gotten colder here as well! Snow is everywhere!

Last night Ben and I had a date night! The first one in a very very long time. It gets so crazy with his work and etc. We saw Chronicles of Narnia:Voyage of the Dawn Treader in 3D. It was....AMAZING!! Wow the imagery in these movies and books is outstanding! I love how at the end of the movie(I won't give anything away in case you want to see it)Aslan tells them that he is known in their world by a different name and he has brought them there to know him a little so that in their world they can know him much more. I loved it! I highly recommend watching it!

As I was running my tail off on the treadmill the other day I was listening to my music. I don't know about you but when I am working out or running I need to listen to my power music. The music that is fast and upbeat! I was listening to this one song and there was a lyric I loved and it got me feeling pumped in my workout! :) It goes "in the end the gates of hell couldn't shut us down". I love that not just because it gets me pumped but the reason it gets me pumped. It was ironic that I saw the Narnia movie last night as well because they flow together. The movie had a lot to do with temptations and refuting the sins that flow around us for His glory. The song just reminded me of that in the sense that we need to keep our eye on that prize, for His glory. Fighting those temptations that will try to redirect our vision. Our life is a constant fight and the battle ground is just filled with sin waiting to devour us. God has shown us though that whom He has called are His, so we know that the gates of hell really won't keep us from our love for Him and passion to glorify Him.

Also it brings me back to the day that I got my last blood work result. When I heard the nurse say that it was 3.2 I thought to myself "This isn't over yet." "God isn't done yet with this." I know its been very easy when your going through a hard time for sin to creep in and cause things to be worse. It can make you forget at times what's most important. That lyric just made me think that I want to fight harder during times of trial against sin and I won't let it stop me even if what my heart yearns for, more babies, isn't what God has willed. I know that sin can so easily use these moments in our lives to really try and do a number on us.

Well that's my scattered thoughts for tonight! lol


Thursday, December 9, 2010

Christmas Photos!

We just got some Christmas photos done last night. Thanks to Charlie we have some cool pictures! Thank you again Charlie!






Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Missing her......

The great news that we've received lately are gracious blessings from God and I can't begin to express how thankful I am for them! Tonight I feel sad for some reason even through this joyful time. Maybe its because with all these blessings gained that its also a reminder of what's been lost. A sweet baby or the dream of one....the dream of her.

I feel I can understand better now the long term heart ache that comes with any woman who has lost a child. Time can heal but it can never take away what was lost or restore it. I can be excited to have more babies but another baby won't bring her back. I feel so sad because it happened so early on and I feel like I couldn't form a stronger connection besides the physical and yet imagining if I was further along makes me feel worse.

I feel like I'm handling my emotions regarding her better but these stings keep coming every so often. I'll always miss her and wonder what could have been, though I know it was God's will and I feel content in His hands.

Just missing her a lot tonight. :(


Yesterday's Results are IN !!!!!!.......

WOO HOO!!! Finally it is OFFICIAL!!! Whew, what a relief that is! March here we come! :) Getting closer!


Monday, December 6, 2010

Clarification ....

I thought it'd be beneficial to all you guys for me to clarify that last post in light of concerns from a couple people. I don't want to misrepresent what I'm trying to get across and I don't want to scare you guys with worry. :)

When I emailed Dr. Goldstein I gave him a full background of my story and issues. I never gave him my dr's recommendation of a wait time, because I knew that he would agree with her. I wanted an unbiased genuine opinion from his expert advice. The center that he works out of is one of the leading organizations in the field of molar pregnancies and gestational trophoblastic disease.

His meaning by saying he disagrees with my dr's advice was on the fact that 5.2 isn't close enough. It's not technically negative and it could be dangerous for me if they didn't test me for a month when I'm not negative. My levels could rise and they wouldn't know till it was too late and the gestational trophoblastic disease could spread out of my uterus and turn into cancer. That was his concern and as a dr. specializing in this sort of thing he recognized the threat.

The reason I emailed him was for his opinion because my dr, though she is incredibly sweet and understanding, seems a bit out of her element with molar pregnancies. She even told me after the official diagnosis that she would need to check online and read up on the protocol for molar pregnancies. She even said once that I would probably know before her by surfing the net myself! lol :) She seems very old school about it as well. :) She would rather us wait a year but said she knows there is research saying 6 months is okay. Ultimately the decision is up to Ben and I what we feel is the best direction to go. Rest assured though that we are being very cautious and not being hasty. We have read up and done our homework. The decision we're making is a much reflected on one. The plan is to still consult either my dr. or the mfm dr. I would be seeing in the next pregnancy.

I don't want you guys to be afraid for me so I wanted to just ease your minds with this follow up! :)



Change of Plans....

Well there has been a change of plans. As you may remember a few posts back I announced that I was officially sorta negative. My last level was 5.2, however my dr. considers negative below 5 and 5.2 isn't really below 5. My dr. said it was close enough though so she said we didn't need to continue with weekly testing.

Since finding out I had a partial molar, I joined a forum of women that have had a molar pregnancy through Baby Center. They have been so helpful and encouraging to me through this process. Its always nice to hear from someone who has been in your shoes! Through this forum I came to learn of a specialist in this field, Dr. Goldstein. He is a surgical oncologist that specializes in gestational trophoblastic disease. Which the disease that occurs if there is any left over tissue from a molar pregnancy. He has done a ton of research and studies surrounding molar pregnancies and why they occur.



The ladies on the forum speak very highly of him and have even emailed and seen him through appointments. So I thought I would email him my situation and get his expert opinion of my case. I gave him a record of my levels and how my last was not technically under 5 but that my dr. said it was low enough.
I emailed him this morning and much to my surprise he emailed back quicker than I had thought. He wrote:

"Jennie, I disagree with your doctors advice. You MUST have an hCG level <5 for three consecutive weeks, then for three consecutive months. If all these test are <5 you can try for pregnancy."


I highly respect his opinion as an expert in this area. Ben and I have talked and I've also spoken to ladies from the forum on his credibility as well as read his research. We believe he is on the right track in regards to my personal situation.
So after much debate we've changed our plans. We are going to test the 3 weekly times and then 3 monthly. After that we will be free to try again for a 3rd pregnancy. That will put us at this March instead of the six month wait recommended by my dr. which would have put us at May.

I'm so thankful for God's hand in all this and blessing us with this new research and information! I have already tested again today and will get my results tomorrow. I can't lie I'm a little bit nervous, but I know that God is in control!


A Steel Sunday




So as you can guess yesterday was a Steelers game day. Of course my husband never misses a game! :) He is successfully initiating Maz into the family tradition of Steeler fan-hood. :) What can I say...like father like son! Fortunately they won last night. Its a sad sorry sight at our house when they lose....haha!

That Snow Miser sure is making it snow like crazy here in Ohio this week!



Today we played in the snow!





He has finally decided to keep his hat and mittens on. Toddlers in cute hats and mittens are so adorable to me!


The dogs even had fun!....









Saturday, December 4, 2010

Cheers to Tears and Fears!

No, I'm not crazy although my husband may disagree! :) The title is a bit misleading I know but has a meaningful lesson, I promise!

Throughout this roller coaster ride that has been my life these past few months Its been very trying. I'll let you in on a little secret.....Listen carefully...

Going through trials is really really hard!

Your probably thinking to yourself...well duh! Everyone knows that!
But its so easy to forget that God never promised us that we wouldn't endure trials of various sorts. He never said it would be easy either. I know now how hard some trials can be and how far they can push you to the edge. I must say, after losing Eleora and going through all that and then the molar pregnancy issues...I have never been through the ringer so much in my entire life up to this point. You always hear people say this...

"A parent should never have to bury their child".

The good news is that even though you go through having to bury a child....God never leaves you. You never have to be alone. Even when the world fails you which it will He is always there. There were times when I felt so alone and like my heart was broken beyond repair...He was there.

Boy did I struggle though! My trust in God was tested big time! I can admit that at times I can be a very anxious and impatient person, but I know now that..

God was bringing me to my lowest so I could see Him at His highest.


Its an incredibly humbling and beautiful place to be! Although not everyone can see it in the moment sometimes its not till after. Like me, I am now seeing the fruits of my suffering. A tiny glimpse as to what God was wanting to show me. I know there are going to be many more moments in my life where God challenges me and brings great trials upon my shoulders and I know its going to be harder and harder, but I feel like having gone through this its given me a better picture, stronger view and relationship with Him. Next time, I'll pray for more patience,an eager heart, and firmer trust in Him. Its crazy how ashamed you feel, or at least I do, when God brings you through something and you hadn't trusted Him completely. It really brings you to your knees with guilt.

However, there is light at the end of the tunnel! I can speak to that!
He always brings you through it even if it seems never ending. So you see...Its really bitter sweet in the end. The sweetness of growing in the Lord cannot be accomplished without the bitterness of the trial. That is why I must say...
Cheers to Tears and Fears!
Without them the glory and beauty that is God wouldn't be seen. We wouldn't completely rely on Him if everything we held dear wasn't at some point compromised through a trial. Learn through the mistakes and pray for future growth! Learn from me and my errors!

Friday, December 3, 2010

The Countdown Begins.....



Well it looks like I'm officially negative and on to those monthly blood-draws! Now the count down begins to lose all this stress weight. I feel like the little engine that could...
"I think I can...I think I can...I think I can."


Praying I can lose this extra 30lbs! Move over Mr. Chocolate......


Well there is some fruit under that creamy deliciousness so that's justifiable right??...Okay okay I'll be good...to a point. :)




Hello diet! My new best friend, well at least until I reach my weight loss goal and then Mr. Chocolate and I can be friends with portion control. :)


Thursday, December 2, 2010

"Apathy- A Poison in Our Lives"

“For you were called to freedom, brothers. Only do not use your freedom as an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another. For the whole law is fulfilled in one word: "You shall love your neighbor as yourself.” Galatians 5:13-14


It’s pretty amazing to me how God has stressed the importance of serving as one of the greatest commandments , second to loving the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind. Yet it seems to be one we struggle with remembering at times.



My last thoughts were on apathy-it seems God keeps directing me to learn more on different topics and this time it’s on serving one another. At our last ladies bible study Leanne spoke on serving one another and it was so convicting to me! Such a great lesson! I know I’ve struggled with this at times. Sometimes it seems so obvious what God wants us to do and to be like Christ but I think the world gets our minds so distracted that the obvious becomes unknown and blended. When I think about being like Christ, I think well who was He? Christ was kind, trusting, loving, generous, and the list goes on and on! Christ showed us a prime example of what a believer is and how it should radiate through us in every part of our lives and everything we do
("Let your light shine before men in such a way that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father who is in heaven.”)
. One of those examples was being a servant and Christ was both a servant to the Father and to us. So as He was a servant of both we also are called to be servants of both. Obviously as “true” believers we’re indebted and in love with God, but we become sluggish with serving others. I guess apathy is a battle even here, surely apathy makes being a good servant a harder achievement.



“If therefore there is any encouragement in Christ, if there is any consolation of love, if there is any fellowship of the Spirit, if any affection and compassion, make my joy complete by being of the same mind, maintaining the same love, united in spirit, intent on one purpose. Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind let each of you regard one another as more important than himself; do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others.” Philippians 2:1-4




Just recently I have finally come to learn a valuable lesson in serving. It seems when we think of serving one another we tend to forget what all that means and how wide spread a servant should be. God tells us ways to serve, wives submit to your husbands , children obey your parent’s ,slaves obey masters…etc



I know in the past I have often been guilty of not doing a good job of serving my husband. I feel like I had a heart of love for him so I wanted to make him happy but I didn’t really have my heart in it for serving him. I know that sounds kind of odd, but I think in order to really be a true servant to one another it has to be in our hearts. Sometimes God needs to remind us of our callings. Being a servant, I’ve come to realize, means to sacrifice. Serving others for the Lord and His glory benefits the people we are serving also it gives us the opportunity to show our testimony. For example:



Recently my husband wanted to watch a football game re-run at his parents and I wasn’t feeling well and secretly wanted him to just come back home with me. He said he’d just go on home with me instead, but I could tell he really wanted to watch the game. In that instant I felt God working in my heart because I immediately told him to stay and just watch the game and I’d see him after. So he did and I saw him after and had time to relax with him. I know in the past and just being a woman I would have put on a guilt trip and got mad thinking that he didn’t care enough how I felt to stay home with me, but that wouldn’t be serving him or making him happy. I would have just been thinking about myself which isn’t what God calls us to do. It was in my heart, through God’s earnest convicting, to serve my husband through Christ which ultimately benefits him. See what I mean?

God has even blessed us with gifts that, if used wisely, He calls us to serve with….



“As each one has received a special gift, employ it in serving one another, as good stewards of the manifold grace of God. Whoever speaks, let him speak, as it were, the utterances of God; whoever serves, let him do so as by the strength which God supplies; so that in all things God may be glorified through Jesus Christ, to whom belongs the glory and dominion forever and ever. Amen.” 1 Peter 4:10-11

As good stewards of the manifold grace of God! Wow! God wants us to be servants so much that He has given us special gifts to enable us further to serve. So then why is it that we don’t take Him seriously on serving? Prayer, prayer, prayer! That is what we (I) need to do, ask God to remind us and give us hearts of stewards for His grace! I pray that God would direct me in serving with a heart of pure unending love and desire to please Him.



Spurgeon once said this line in one of his sermons…

“Where you see so much of the man, you will see very little

of His Master.”
…..how very true! Serving the way God calls us to, radiating His glory and serving in His name! Reminds me yet again of another song lyric J…



Background


“It's evident you run the show so let me back down. You take the leading role, and I'll play the background. I know I miss my cues, know I forget my lines I'm sticking to your script, and I'm reading all your signs. I don't need my name in lights. I don't need a starring role. And why gain the whole wide world, if I'm just gon' loose my soul. And my ways ain't purified, I'll live according to your Word. I can't endure this life without your wisdom being heard.”



In the end the words every believer dedicates their lives to hearing is….

“Well done, good and faithful servant. You have been faithful over a little; I will set you over much. Enter into the joy of your master.”Mathew 25:23



Wednesday, December 1, 2010

"Holiday Baby Names"



I have been doing holiday baby names recently just for fun and really enjoy it! I don't know how often that I will do them but if there is anybody at all that would like me to do one for them I would be more than happy to!

Here are a few of my samples. Enjoy!



I can do both boys and girls. It doesn't have to include the whole name either it can be whatever you'd like it to say!



All that I need from you is:

#1 Your baby's gender

#2 A name or inscription of your choice

#3 Your name and/or spouse's name

You can either leave a comment below with your information or you can email me at peppy86@juno.com.

Thank you and have a blessed day!!

Love, Jennie