I know its been ages since I last wrote anything on here. Since recent events in my life lately I've been preoccupied in dealing with these changes to sit down and write on here about them. Today I thought I'd start to....
My last post was a happy one and looking back at all that joy and thanksgiving for the precious miracle that God had blessed us with it seems so long ago. The past couple months have been a growing process in our Lord for sure-for me. I can feel Him urging me to learn to trust even more in Him than ever before and bringing about His will and means for me to learn that in the most difficult situations I have yet to face in my life. He has brought me to my knees,humbled me and has me crying out for strength and peace in Him that only He can provide.
Taking you back to Sept. 1st it was one of my many ultrasound checks for this pregnancy.I was excited to get to see the baby(8weeks 4days) and saw once again the little flutter of its heart beating. I'll never forget that moment. Its in moments like those seeing God's complex power and grace that bring me to awe and has me in tears over our mighty&worthy God.
On September the 28th I went in for a routine dr. visit at my clinic. It was just suppose to be a tummy check and the very first time I'd be able to finally hear the baby's heart beat with a doppler. I was pretty excited to hear that heart beating inside me. A sort of reassurance that my crazy fear of miscarrying was nothing more but a silly anxiety. As I laid there on the table watching the face of my dr. I could tell something wasn't right and was worried why I wasn't hearing my baby's heart. The dr. sent me over to get an ultrasound to see if the baby was just hiding somewhere. As soon as the ultrasound tech had started I could immediately tell something was very wrong. I was suppose to be 12 weeks along and yet I was having trouble seeing the baby on the monitor. It looked the same as the last ultrasound I had 3 1/2 weeks prior. Then the heartbreaking news that every mother fears...the tech looked at me and said that the baby was gone. It had passed away after my last dr. visit 3 1/2 weeks ago. I felt my eyes flooding with tears and I was all alone. My husband had to work that day so it was just me and my 15 month old son. I saw my dr. after the ultrasound and she recommended getting a D&C done as soon as possible. So the operation was scheduled for the very next day. It was so much to take in.
The next day at the hospital bright and early with my husband I once again found myself laying down awaiting for the operation that was going to sever my baby from me forever. It was so hard. It wasn't easy holding the tears back. Thankfully I was going to be unconscious for the procedure and I was told that it'd be very quick. They said 15-20 minutes and then it'd be over.
The last thing I remember was them wheeling me back and fighting back more tears as they had the mask on me counting back from 10. When I woke up in recovery I felt so much pain and my husband was there. Just as soon as I awoke the dr. rushed to my side and looked very frazzled. She told me in almost one long run-on sentence that my procedure took 3 hours because I hemorrhaged very badly. I lost a pint and a half of blood (1500?) and had to have a transfusion. I also developed an infection and had a fever. The reason I learned that I was in so much pain was that they had to do an exploratory laparotomy to make sure they didn't puncture my uterus. Along with all that news she said that she didn't think it'd be wise for us to have more babies. I didn't know what to think at first. I was just glad that I didn't die or have a hysterectomy which I was told was a possibility.
Some think it was the morphine for why I seemed calm about everything the next day and a half at the hospital but I know that it was God comforting me. The way I see it He has given me the perfect resource to witness and share a good testimony for His glory through this pain. Its never easy going through the trials that come and go in this life but God holds the difference for how that trial affects you and how you use it to His glory. If God never gave us trials in our life we wouldn't be continually growing and forming to be the stronger and wiser in the faith. (Psalm 119:71)
An excerpt from Streams in the Desert by L.B Cowman:
"It is a remarkable occurrence of nature that the most brilliant colored plants are found on the highest mountains, in places that are the most exposed to the fiercest weather. ....Isn't it the same with a Christian who is afflicted, storm-tossed and without comfort? Until the storms and difficulties allowed by God's providence beat upon a believer again and again, his character appears flawed and blurred. Yet the trials actually clear away the clouds and shadows, perfect the form of his character, and bestow brightness and blessing to his life."
We got the Pathology report back a week or 2 after the surgery. Fortunately everything looked normal, to whatever degree normal is for this sort of thing. There was a lot of necrosis or deteriorating of the baby due to it having died almost a month before they discovered that it had. The dr. was still very concerned about why I bled so badly so she had us go see a hematologist to rule out any blood disorders including TTP. Which is a very rare blood disorder that occurs in pregnant women. The hemotologist took around 20 tubes of blood...it was a bit crazy!
My husband and I decided at the hospital the day for the D&C that we wanted chromosome testing done to determine gender. We thought it'd help us with coming to terms and for closure.
I got a call unexpectedly from our dr. one day saying that those results were back. They weren't able to determine the gender due to so much deterioration. However she did have a diagnosis for why the baby had died. She said that the chromosome testing confirmed a partial molar pregnancy.
Which basically means that the baby would have been okay but during conception instead of one sperm to the egg there was 2. In that process there was too many chromosomes and it unfortunately affected the placenta working properly. The scary part of molar pregnancies is that they can lead to geastational trophoblastic disease. That occurs if there is found to be any abnormal tissue/cells left in the uterus after the D&C. If there is then the recommended treatment is methotrexate injections which is a low dose chemo but if needed more aggressive chemo will be used. If the abnormal cells then it turns into a cancer called choriocarcinoma.
The next step in this process for me is I get my hcg levels checked weekly until they are less than 5. This is done to monitor if there is any leftover abnormal cells and if there is then my levels will rise instead of fall and the chemo would be administered. The day of the operation my levels were in the 54,00's. A month later they were 57.8 and at 5 weeks they were 27.5. Right now as of last week they are 14.6. So they are falling. Good news is that once they are below 5 I will just get them checked monthly for 6 months and then we should be cleared to have more babies! I'm hoping that by the end of November I'll be below 5. I'm amazed and truly thankful that God brought us from hearing that we will maybe never have anymore to a possibility for the future. He is so good and sovereign!
Everyday and week has been a constant struggle for me through this though. I think I'm dealing with a touch of postpartum depression and I haven't been praying very much. Not nearly as much as I ought to be. That's still something I'm working on. I feel like God has brought me to a better place though along the way. I'm not so concerned about the future and having more babies or not. I'm just trying to deal with the present.....for we aren't guaranteed a tomorrow and Christ's return could be swifter than our minds can comprehend and how more can I do what I'm called to do and share the gospel.
Through this whole thing I've found encouragement through music and a few artists I would reccomend..Lecrae,Trip Lee, Sho Baracka, PRo, Tedashi, Shia Lynne. They do Christian rap but their lyrics are very deep and sing about the sovereignty of God among other things.
Well that's what I wanted to write to so far and bring this blog up to date, I'll write more a little later.