Its been a little while again. I really need to just reflect on what it is I'm wanting to portray through this blog. I'm thinking of re-doing some things. Hmmm...we'll see what I come up with.
Well, this is sort of an update on me and how I'm doing lately. Its been a bit crazy. I've been really sick,in fact, my whole house has been plus family. My husband and son have been sick as well as parents and in laws etc... There is a nasty stomach bug that has been going around. Its a brutal one. We've been sick in my house for a good week. I even lost 8-9lbs! I guess that's the only good thing that came from it...lol :)
Any way, my levels so far are dropping. Ever since I heard the diagnosis of the partial molar I've had to go in for blood work weekly to test my hcg levels. They need to make sure they're falling properly. So far they've been dropping nicely.
Here is my levels so far:
-day of the d&c(sept. 29th).... 54,739.9
-one month after(oct. 27th) .....57.8
-week 2 since diagnosis(nov. 3rd).... 27.5
-week 3(nov.11th)..... 14.6
-week 4(nov. 17th).... 9.3
Since I've been sick and Thanksgiving I missed my last week check. I go tomorrow for blood work. Praying that it goes well, but if it doesn't then its God's will and He'll get us through it. He's brought us this far, I know He won't abandon me.
Its been hard emotionally the past month. I've really been struggling with the reality of it all. It feels like life has gone on without her. In the moment of hearing she was gone, it seemed like time stopped and life stood still. Nothing could take me away from that moment and I didn't want it to. Even though that moment was filled with so much pain and tears it was something I shared with her. The one and only time I could share with her before life would sweep me away from her. I know that may sound weird, but I feel like at least in the pain I had her. Now time has rushed by and I feel so far away from her and now its that daily sting of knowing......she's gone.
I keep hearing my dr. in my head from the day of the d&c saying "It may have been a complete molar, there may not have been a baby at all." And my voice seeming so faint saying no she was alive! I saw her heart beating! Since then my dr. had suggested it 2 more times that maybe there was no baby, but we all now are on the same understanding that she was alive and we have proof with the ultrasounds. I still feel like I have to prove that she was real to myself and everyone. My husband was only there for the very first ultrasound, but there wasn't really much to see. The other ones he missed. I was the only one who got to see her tiny heart fluttering. I wish that I would have taped that some how now looking back. It was my only proof of her living.
Its hard losing a loved one no matter the circumstance but I think its harder when you don't have much proof of the existence of a loved one beyond the thoughts and dreams of them. I know my friends have told me that it doesn't matter if anybody else believes she was real or not and that all that matters is that I know. Sometimes I find myself doubting it though. If its God's will that I never have another baby then I know everything will be okay because its His will for my life and in the end its for His glory, but I think that's why its so important to me to know that she was real and she did exist.
Every time I think about her it brings me to tears but not as much as when I think of her being real or not. As I'm writing this it has me raining down on my keyboard. I keep trying to surround myself with her name as little reminders of her short tiny life. You know what makes me so sad is thinking about all those who believe that aborting a baby and its viability. Its a life right from the start whether science justifies it or not. God has justified it, which is why He has crafted it. The world considers babies under a certain age non-viable and able to abort them, and if you don't know how they do that -its a horrific process! But the world views babies under,I believe 22 weeks, non-viable meaning not living or of sustaining life. So the world considers my baby non-viable. My baby means nothing in the world's view. I think that's why when you experience a miscarriage you feel like you can't mourn very long or be sad too much because the world expects you to get over it, it wasn't real....it wasn't alive...it wasn't a life. Even though I know the world is full of a bunch of crap and lies for some reason it still bothers me.
Well that's my post for tonight and my son needs to go to bed and so do I!
Until next time....