Monday, September 12, 2011

Closer and closer

Its getting closer and closer as each day brings with its end one more reminder or memory of where we were at this time last year. How oblivious to the fate of our baby right then. We hadn't known that she passed quietly away in one of the last 9 days or the long road of recovery both emotionally and physically that we were soon to face. How do you know when your world is about to change?

We knew on September 28th 2010. That day a tiny piece of our hearts cracked away forever. Now here we are just 2 weeks shy of a year later to the day. Not a day goes by that I don't feel the absence of that sweet baby or the hope we had for so many memories. I wouldn't be pregnant right now instead I would have been holding a 6 month old. God's will is so complex. We found comfort in Him and though the pain is great, His love is immeasurable.

These pictures are from 2 days post my d&c. Notice the tape junk still stuck to my hands and arms from IV's. I had 2-3 in each arm.

Days filled with tears. I was really anemic here.

So much is on my mind these days. As one year marks the death of one child the gestational week in my pregnancy is coming up marking the birth time of another. I am now 26 weeks as my 3d baby ticker claims on the left of my blog. As I'm starting to remember so much and relive last year, I'm reminded of the fear I had when I was pregnant with my son, Mazio.

I started developing complications with him when I was 27 1/2 weeks along. It started as swelling and then creeping blood pressure. I also was dipping noticeably higher levels of protein in my urine tests. I was hospitalized for 24 hours then sent home. Then mid way through my 28th week I was hospitalized again with higher blood pressures, more swelling and additional amounts of protein. I never made it home again pregnant after that. My health went down hill quite fast. A perfectly normal looking pregnancy took the turn for worse and everything seemed to spiral out of control. Preeclampsia is not something to take lightly. Just a few days later I ended up with a sweet blessing through that madness. My son was doing well for a preemie and after a long nicu stay he came home. He is an amazing 2 year old now, but other preeclampsia moms are not so fortunate. I know that my risk of reoccurance in a subsequent pregnancy are higher and its not set in stone that just because Mazio was born at 29 weeks and lived that another baby will do just as well.

My son, Mazio, the day he was born.

Quite ironic it is to now observe that in the same time that we'll be mourning the one year anniversary of the death of one child, we'll also be scared of losing another. Sometimes I find myself wishing I could watch my life unfold over the next 3 months. Like a movie that I could fast forward past the high intensity/scary part to see the resolve. Will I be really holding a newborn by Christmas? Will I get to use all these sweet baby girl clothes so soon? Will we be traveling back and forth to the hospital dealing with the stress of another preemie in the nicu? How will this part in our lives end? Only God knows. The only thing I can do is just simply wait for His will to unfold and pray that He holds us close in the coming weeks. Such a helpless feeling when you know that you have no control to protect your child. I do feel comfort in God's hands though. I'm still very scared. Although I know God will get us through the loss if it is His will that we say goodbye to another baby, I also know all too well that He cannot take away the pain that we must feel if that does come to pass. There is growth in that pain. That much, I've come to learn to be true. How I long for growth in a different means though. A growth in our family, an additional member, a sweet little baby girl.

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