Friday, September 30, 2011

One Year Anniversary

We've been so preoccupied with fixing the house after the flood that it seems as if these days have just creeped up as we were so unaware. A year? Already? I remember thinking as time stood still during that moment when life changed for us, when that baby girl's life was cut short before it really began that things would never be the same. I was so conflicted thinking I couldn't wait for time to move us from this place, from that pain, and yet wishing I could stay there forever because she was there. I didn't want to leave my baby. I knew time could heal but it also has a way of separating too. It's a hard road either way. A part of me just wishes that someone other than me would remember her. The sad truth of it is- this world goes too fast so fast that situations like that get forgotten and remembered too few. Its natural I suppose as time moves on but it's just hard. Another reminder that she isn't here and she isn't alive to be in the fore front of people's minds. There are no memories made besides that she was real and growing and then one day she was gone.

It's difficult to miss her so much and yet excited to meet this other little girl God is growing within me. Is it shaming her memory and what she meant to me? I hope not. The sad thing is that when this other little girl enters the world I'll know she won't be my first daughter or my second child. I don't want this little girl or Mazio to forget that they had another sister.

I feel ashamed to admit that I nearly forgot about today and I know I forgot yesterday. Yesterday was the day I went to the dr. and got that dreaded news. That day I felt my heart just sink and crumble. One thing that echoes in my mind the most about that day other than being and feeling utterly alone when I heard those words "I'm sorry but this isn't a viable pregnancy anymore", was standing in the ER parking lot with my husband as we both sobbed and held each other. Such a tender moment it was to me and to finally not feel alone that day. We shared in that pain. I told my husband that it seems as if there is a disconnect somewhere. Like I know I was pregnant and I know why it ended but its still hard to understand sometimes. One day your pregnant and see the living fetus on the ultrasound (which the doctors now say once you see the baby and the heart beat then it reduces your risk a bit for miscarriage) and the next day it all changes. Its hard to fathom that I would have had a 6 month old now but instead I'm pregnant. All in God's planning, I know. And that's really the only answer and yet the main source of my comfort.

One year ago today we said goodbye forever and though with time your memory fades in the world's mind, we can never seem to forget you. You'll always be our 1st little girl and our second blessing from God. I love you my sweet baby.

We were glad and surprised to see that they are putting in benches. It'll help make an uncomfortable place be a bit more comfortable.

One day when we can afford it we'd like to add our baby's name to the back of the stone. One family has added their little one. It will make it easier for Maz and any other siblings to find her.

Happy Birthday little one. You were born into our hearts and we miss you.

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