The title to this post emulates the weight of my thoughts and feelings lately perfectly. Heavy.
Recently while at the memorial stone from Aultman that commemorates the babies lost too soon, I noticed there was a growing list of names etched into the back of the stone. I have wanted for a while now to add our baby’s name but just kept putting it off. At first, I thought it would be too much money but never bothered to check into it. I think my real reason was I was a little nervous to because of the finality that would come with it. Now after seeing the other names, I want hers to be added. Maybe one day someone will look at the stone and see her name and wonder who she was or how small she was when she passed away. When I was a kid, my aunt use to take my cousin and I on walks in the summer when I would stay over. We use to walk up the hill to this old church and cemetery. My aunt would tell us about the people she knew who had died and were buried there. She use to tell us their stories and who they use to be. We would even look at the older stones and make up in our heads who we thought each person was and what their stories were. I want my kids one day to be able to go to the memorial stone and know that is where the memory of their little or big sister is commemorated along with other lost babies.
I discovered that the cost for the name would only be $100. I was shocked it was so cheap. I had always envisioned in my head them telling me $50 a letter or something like that. Through sobs, I asked Ben if we could do it and he said yes. I was so relieved! This was actually going to happen! When I went to the cemetery office, I was so nervous. The man helping me took me to this small room with 2 walls covered in example head stones. (The flat kind and ones for mausoleums) He had me sit in there while he got some papers for me to sign. It felt like I was in there for hours as I tried to ignore the walls. It was so hard. I kept thinking, “I got to get out of here now” I wanted to just run right out of that room.
It was so depressing as I looked at some of the pictured examples wondering if those were real people and what had happened to them. I could not believe I was actually sitting in that room about to sign papers for adding my lost baby’s name. Though my loss is not quite as heavy as others I know whom have lost babies I felt like in that moment I could almost feel the weight of it. I can’t imagine how any of my dear friends managed to sit in rooms like mine awaiting to sign papers and pick out head stones. Death is inevitable that much is true and it seems to be circulating my thoughts ever since I sat in that room. My dreams have been affected lately. My thoughts seem ever saturated as I ponder what it will be like when I have to possibly sit in that room again for another loved one or maybe my loved ones for me.
I even stupidly clicked on a video recently showing the real death of a senator thinking it wasn’t real. I can now fully attest to its reality as its also stuck in my mind. Heavy.
How did Jesus do it? How heavy God’s heart must have felt to give up his son. If the losses we feel in this world are a taste then I cannot even imagine more.
I think once I see our baby’s name on the stone that it will bring a sense of closure. Not that I haven’t know for a long time now that it was over. Her life is over. I feel like once I see her name that I might be able to forget that cold and scary room. I now will know in my heart that I have completed that last piece of the puzzle.