Thursday, February 10, 2011

Learning to embrace change....

“For everything you have missed, you have gained something else, and for everything you gain, you lose something else.” -Ralph Waldo Emerson



So much has changed in my life this past year. I celebrated the first year of a little miracle boy's life, hubby swept me away to a romantic country cottage for our 2nd anniversary, saw a blessing on an ultrasound, said goodbye to that sweet blessing weeks later, and welcomed a new niece to the world. It's amazing how much things can change!

But I'm learning to embrace change even though sometimes it's a really hard change. I can only wonder what else will change in the future.

I have been getting more excited thinking about trying again for another pregnancy. Tonight I was feeling happy about it and when those moments happen I just have to take advantage of them. Sometimes I get so scared but I don't want to be. I just want to put all my fears with God and just trust Him, but sometimes it takes a ton of prayer to make those little fears vanish. I know they really are never completely gone. I'm also learning how powerful prayer can really be.
On to what I was getting at here though, I was feeling happy and decided to look at some apps on my phone that I had hidden for awhile. All baby and pregnancy apps that I have I had hidden for a long while because I just couldn't handle looking at them. After the d&c there was already too many reminders of what happened that I just couldn't bare anymore. Tonight I decided to look at them again since next month I might need to use some of them. It was kinda sad, I looked at one I had been using before the baby died and it said I would have been 32 weeks this week. I can't believe it's been that long since we said goodbye.

Sometimes I feel terrible for getting happy or excited about trying again. I've been working out and eating smarter and trying to really just get healthy. It's all been for trying again though. It's been my goal, it's what's helped drive me to get healthy. Until recently I hadn't really thought about much else. Seeing little reminders like my pregnancy app on my phone though has brought my attention to that sweet dream that little girl was. How can I do that to her? How can I forget her so easily? Sometimes I feel terrible for being happy to try again because It's like she never was. In a sense, I don't want to betray that love I have for her.

Emotionally it's been a little tougher lately ever since my last blood draw. I know it's getting so close to the end. Three weeks now actually. I swore that next time , if there was a next time, that I wouldn't be so scared during the pregnancy. I promised that I would just be happy and if/when I got scared to just pray like crazy. I wish I could go back in time and not have been so scared with her.

This little Dr. Seuss quote I love, it reminds me of her.....

"A person's a person no matter how small."

When I ever doubt if she was real or not I just think of this quote the beautiful comfort in Psalm 139:13.

It's crazy to think that I could have been pretty pregnant right now and preparing for a new baby. My due date is fast approaching and I know that day might be a hard one. I'm trying to emotionally and mentally prepare myself for that. I know it was God's will. If you've had a miscarriage I really feel for you. I don't think people really understand miscarriages unless they've experienced one. Whether or not there was a heartbeat or not those babies were dreams. They were the dream of a beautiful baby.

"Níl go scór chomh beag sin nach féidir é a dhéanamh rian ar an saol seo."
"There is not foot so small it cannot make an imprint on this world."

Good Night- Oíche mhaith,

2 comments:

  1. Jennie,
    I 100% understand the getting healthy thing and being excited about trying for another. But at the same time you freak out a bit when it comes down to the wire and time to try...lol I just know that when my husband brings up trying sooner then we originally planned I get all bent out of shape and anxious and say "no not yet, not until the time we agreed on". Its funny that when he brings it up fear over takes my mind but I kinda want to jump off the edge of my fears and just get it over with, ya know what I mean? I am happy that you keep trying despite the hard times you've had recently.
    Okay well take care, I hope to hear good news from ya soon.
    ~Felicia

    ReplyDelete