Sunday, December 26, 2010

Christmas and the Frozen Teddy Bear

I must admit, I have really been dreading the holidays this year. I couldn't wait till Christmas was over. Not that I don't appreciate or fully understand the significance of Jesus' birth or what His life and death mean to me. It's just the past several months have just been so hard and emotionally straining. All that has happened has really rocked my life completely and I know now more than ever that things will never quite be the same as they were. There has been nights where the pain just rushes through me like fire and it goes on almost all night seeming endless. I hadn't experienced that before even after I found out she was gone. I have just been crying so much lately. The closer and closer it got to Christmas the harder and harder it was.

And on Christmas morning as I watched Maz tearing into his gifts I could almost see a little girl smiling with long brown hair tearing into hers as well. It was a sweet dream. Then I remembered that that little girl would never get to do that or see a Christmas morning. I miss her terribly...I miss the dream that was my daughter. I know that only God's big strong arms can comfort me and I just long to be wrapped up in them right now.

We went and visited the tomb stone on Christmas eve. I was ashamed of myself for not having gone sooner. It was hard. As we approached the stone I saw this frozen teddy bear and I lost it....

So precious and so the tiny little lives that never got to really begin. It looked a little dirty and had fallen over so I sat him up and kept trying to clean him off until Ben had to almost pry me off of him. I felt like I had to take care of that little bear that someone left for their angel.

I brought her a little red poinsettia....

Someone lost their little boy and always brings little cars. I had to dig some of them out of the snow. It breaks my heart thinking of all those little flowers and tokens of parent's love for their lost angels. It gets me every time. I think of them often and try to remember to pray for those families.

"There is no foot too small that it cannot make an imprint on this world".

Now Christmas is over and after all the gifts have been unwrapped and the last Christmas cookie is eaten one thing will still remain.....

the broken dream of that precious little girl and that little hole inside my heart. I must say, however, that though she came and left me only with this pain.....she was the best Christmas gift/blessing I could have imagined.

I love you my baby girl.

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