Well I just happen to notice that today I would have been 36 weeks and 1 day along if the baby hadn't died. I would have been getting an amnio test done now, that is if I made it this far without any preeclampsia issues. I would have probably gotten to meet and hold my baby in the next week or 2.
There are many big "woulds" in those sentences. I know that I cannot live my life full of "would" and being disgruntled with the way God had my life willed. I can't go back and change things. All I can do is humbly accept His will. As I was writing those first few sentences I kept thinking along with each sentence; I would be blind, I would be damned, I would be spiritually dead, I would be engulfed in hell's flames for eternity. All those "woulds" seem to be a little bit more important. Of course there are also the "haves". I have not only 1 child but 2. I have been pregnant twice. I have carried 2 babies. I have been blessed a million times over than what I deserve.
Keeping perspective throughout all this has been a challenge. I admit that shamefully. I'm very thankful for what happened and being able to have been pregnant in the first place. I still have to remind myself at times that my happiness in God cannot be linked to what He gives me or doesn't give me in this life. It's a part of the battle, I'm learning.
Even though I noticed this "would have been" today with the baby I'm actually not sad. I feel at peace and just very content. I cannot say it's anything I could have done to make me feel this way. I know it's God's hand in this. I'm excited for the future but even if this were to happen again I would just pray that I could glorify God and rectify my mistakes from last time around.
After everything happened and I had my d&c I remember asking a friend if things would get any easier. If the unbearable feeling that came with the gut wrenching pain would ever subside. I know she and others told me that "time can heal". I didn't really believe it could then but I see now that it can help my wounded heart. It's not a cure-all but it does heal some.
If you've lost a loved one recently and happen to read this just know that time can heal some and that the jagged edges of the pain will subside. Time has a way of smoothing those out.